The Devil's Threeway
- Written by Carles Barkley
- February 6, 2012
Holy mackerel. Your college career is almost over and you are yet to have a threesome! You know that you will never find even a semblance of the opportunity for a tri-sex out in the real world. Looks like you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and get yours on the technicality: The Devil’s Threeway. One woman. Two men. In such a delicate situation, several ground rules need to be set out.
The First Rule of The Devil’s Threeway: You do not talk about The Devil’s Threeway. When in doubt, it’s always best to follow the Tyler Durden method. Your main objective in this act is to achieve your threeway, have some sex, and hopefully walk away with your dignity in tact. So why on God’s good earth would you run around telling everyone of your debauchery? Not even if your threeway was with Tyler Durden himself (which for me would be absolutely acceptable) – you never speak of this experience, even if you preface it with a “no homo.”
The Second Rule of The Devil’s Threeway: You do not make eye contact in The Devil’s Threeway. Stinson and our founding fathers had it right, making man-to-man eye contact when you’re both balls deep in the same chick is a point of no return. Unless you want to have paranoid dreams about the possibility of some latent homosexuality, then I would absolutely refrain from locking eyes with your male counterpart.
The Third Rule of The Devil’s Threeway: You do not go into this sober. Despite your ironclad willpower to keep your concentration focused on the female, your inability to control your competitive nature will override: who will cum first? Do not approach this debacle with your average sensitivity – I’d suggest drinking plenty of whiskey, wearing at least four condoms, and viewing several pictures of the blue waffle before you begin. Just imagine how uncomfortable it could be if you arrive at your destination forty-five minutes before your partners in crime.
The Fourth Rule of The Devil’s Threeway: You do not make genital contact with the other male. Much like the regulation on eye contact, you must pay close attention to keeping your junk to yourself. Even an accidental grazing of the other man’s pubic hair will be hard to ignore when getting busy. One of the simplest methods to avoid such an atrocity is to engage in the Eiffel Tower position or the 969 (a sort of human centipede of sex). Ignore the whore’s suggestions of double penetration at all cost. Just because she’s aiding you in a sexual favor does not mean you owe her any favors of your own.
The Fifth and Final Rule of The Devil’s Threeway: You do not stick around after The Devil’s Threeway. Much like a lunch with your ex, as soon as everyone has covered their check you book it the hell out of there. If any member of your party is interested in cuddling or making this a sleepover, it is your duty to insure that such a disgrace does not occur. Take a laxative, fake a family death, alert the doorman of the warrant out for your arrest, tell them you’re a fan of Nickelback, just do whatever it takes to make sure the room is cleared by the end of the final act.
You’re going to do what it takes to be certain every last one of your dreams comes true before your dreaded graduation, so no one can really blame you for what you’ve done as long as you follow these rules closely. My last bit of advice would be to pick a man with a sexually ambiguous name, so you might be able to slide past any questions from your friends without being found out. “Yeah man, me, Tiffany, and Jesse humped till the break of dawn last night. Oh look at the time, gotta run!”