The Do's and Don'ts of Sex With Food
- Written by Kitty Kat
- April 11, 2012
Every now and then it doesn’t hurt to make things a bit more exciting in the bedroom. Sure, you can go out and invest in a bondage kit, but I don’t find old male bikers attractive, nor can I justify the chaffing. You’ve tried every position in the Kama Sutra, and even role-playing gets old after a while. So, what’s left? A good ol’ American tradition; stuffing your face while getting laid. Incorporating food into your sex life isn’t as easy as it looks. There are a lot of things that need to be considered first before you start slathering your lady’s behind with barbecue sauce.
DO ask if your partner has any food allergies. Sure, playing rough and pretending to choke your girl is fun, but if she is literally choking because of insane throat swelling, that kind of puts a damper on the whole evening. Make sure to check especially if you plan on using peanut butter. If she’s allergic, the only nuts that should be getting anywhere near her are yours.
DON’T make sticky syrups your go-to items. I don’t really understand the sexiness of a gooey residue left behind. If I wanted that, I could just use jizz for free. Chocolate syrup and honey are okay every once in a while, but there are so many other options. Get creative! You can try whipped cream, for instance. Or ketchup and mustard for those summery baseball nights.
DO be willing to experiment within other cultures. Maybe you’ve always had a thing for those Asians you watch nightly on PornHub. Maybe you want to get a little taste of that Latina flavor. Maybe you’re in a serious relationship with a Midwestern girl who is vanilla in the sack. Explore outside of your cultural boundaries. Incorporate some soy sauce or salsa in to your foreplay for a change.
DON’T actually have sex with the food. Besides the fact that getting food and/or liquids up inside any of you or your partner’s private parts could cause pain and infection, it could get a little strange if you enjoy the food a bit too much. Maybe it feels good sliding your shlong across some boobs coated in butter, but keep in mind that the goal is to be pounding the metaphorical taco, not a literal one.
DO alternate between solid and liquid foods. Once again, get creative and mix it up a bit. It’s fun to eat chocolate chips and cherries off your man’s muscular chest, but a little bit of strawberry yogurt can be your own flavored lube too! Or get some body shots of Malibu going. Just don’t have too much, no one’s a fan of whiskey dick (or rum vagina).
DON’T eat so much that you bloat and can’t get aroused. This happens; it’s science. Plus we all know how sensitive girls get about how they look when they’re on top. The whole idea of trying something new in bed is exciting, but don’t kill it by stuffing your face with every topping in sight.
DO remember, “Less is more.” I remember back in first grade the teacher would always tell us when we were working on an art project, “You don’t need all that glue! You’re not trying to stick an elephant to a wall.” That rule applies here, too. If you have so many layers of goop slathered on to your girl’s bod that you can’t even see her belly button, something is wrong. Take a break; go have a snack, then get back in the game, you hungry bastard.
DON’T give up after the first try. Using food during sex in an erotic way takes practice.
Sex and food can be one of the most erotic things in the world if done properly. Just think of what an Ethiopian would do to have some food sex.