The Ejaculation Conundrum
- Written by Carles Barkley
- May 1, 2012
Once again folks, I’m here to ask the questions you’re too damn scared to ask, breaking the news to you like an alcoholic breaks expensive urns – intentionally and without apology. Today I’m delving into a sensitive topic, where does one ejaculate when the time cums? Let’s discuss your options.
For chumps, there’s the Biblical option – inside. There are only a few circumstances where this is acceptable: if you’re married, in a super-committed relationship, using powerful contraceptives, or really want to ruin your significant other’s life. The best part is the lack of clean up, and let’s be honest, it’s kind of hot. But abortions are not hot at all, so really this one’s the worst choice for you. If you’re ever going to go for this option, though, make certain you have her absolute consent to do so – or prepare for some fatal consequences. Or at least get ready to shell out twenty bucks for some Plan B.
Fellas, I know pulling out is your favorite means of birth control. However, you seriously need to think ahead just a little bit. Once you cover your lady’s chest with your junk, you can’t just leave her there. Be a gentleman and offer her some tissues, a paper towel, an old t-shirt, or even some nice wet wipes to clean her up with, especially if you let loose on her back. You’re essentially laying Thor’s Mjölnir on her, rendering her unable to move until someone helps wipe her down, lest she get semen all over the covers.
Another way to go at it is to warn your lady and have her quickly get to her knees in order to receive the brunt of your man batter. Once again, there is absolutely no clean-up (as long as the girl is a halfway decent person and knows to swallow). This method is essentially the best way to keep your pleasure at maximum level until your climax is complete without risking pregnancy. Of course she’s got to suffer through the taste of your spunk, but whatever, that’s her problem – if she’s any good at sex she ought to be used to the taste by now.
The moneyshot has become more popular amongst the younger generation, as parents are turning to porn to teach their children about sex rather than suffer through the awkward conversation themselves. But gentlemen, I beg you, be considerate of her eyes. Getting jizzy eyes is like getting salt and lemon in a cut, but worse because it’s humiliating and turns your eyes red all day so people think you’re high, but you’re not. You’re miserable.
Finally there’s the panicked choice, which isn’t a choice at all, really. It’s more so that you suddenly realize you’re about to orgasm and wildly pull out and just cum everywhere. On the sheets, in her hair, all over the pillow, dripping from the ceiling – you basically shot off like Old Faithful all over your room. Obviously, this is one selection you’d prefer to avoid. It must be pretty embarrassing to lose control of your wang babies like that.
Oh, and also up her butt. Your lady lets you do anal? Good for you, man.
Hopefully this has helped give you some foresight on what the hell you’re supposed to do in this last minute, awkward dilemma. In my opinion, having her swallow should be option number one, but if you’ve got some leftover McDonalds napkins then feel free to pull out and go nuts all over her. You kids have fun now.