The Evolution of Birth Control


Nine months after man penetrated woman, they both realized their mistake: this can’t happen again.


Pull Out Method: The first, and still most popular, method of birth control has withstood the test of time. What began as a legitimate attempt to avoid pregnancy has turned into a call of, “just the tip, baby.” The ultimate downfall of the pull out method was the unknowingness of pre-cum and man’s inability to control his orgasm. The world’s classic method is also the “Oops, my bad, girl” method. 


Crocodile Poop: The Egyptians were the first to figure something needed to stop the little tadpoles. So, of course, crocodile shit was the first thing to come to mind. Oddly enough, the Egyptians referred to such practices as the “crocodile rock.” At least we now know why Elton and Susie had so much fun.


Honey: Once the Egyptians figured out crocodile poop was inconvenient to collect, they turned to the next logical method of birth control: honey. This also explains why numerous wall paintings feature bears eating-out women, and also determines the origins of “honey-nuts,” which apparently also lowers your cholesterol. 


Animal Horns: Self-conscious men in 15th Century Japan believed animal horns not only seemingly increased the size in their penis but also prevented babies and better pleasured women. Along with the so-called pleasure for women, dirty talk became a very real phenomenon. Yes, 2 Live Crew’s critically acclaimed hit, “Me so Horny” actually parodied Sengoku men. 


Pig intestines: Animal intestines were the first form of birth control to fight STIs, specifically syphilis. Although men and women alike complained about the wretched smell of pork, the condoms were quite effective, at 35%. Not only could men pork with some pork, but these were also the first flavored condoms: hotdog flavor.


Rubber: Our current condoms evolved from Charles Goodyear’s vulcanization of rubber—Mr. Good’s Condoms. Since the discovery of this process, we have witnessed a contraceptive revolution. Instead of the standard Mr. Good wrapper, our tools wear magnum, hot-cold, banana, female, and condoms for the man who can hold his load, condoms for the man who can’t hold his load, sheepskin. Because of complaints that they don’t feel natural, Trojan is introducing: feels like vagina, hand, and cotton candy condoms—nothing like the muff-fluff. 


The Pill: Easily the most common form of birth control for females. Not only is the pill 99% effective in preventing pregnancy, but it also induces bipolar tendencies in 99% of women. Now, the once sexually pleasing moans have transformed into frustrated cries of insecure fury because apparently my “blinking eyes” are no longer laced with the love they once held. 


Plan B: Formerly infanticide (baby pesticide) during the Middle Ages, Plan B has risen again as the typical birth control method for your average sorority girl and 13 year-old who thinks semen can penetrate both her and her boyfriend’s Levis. The, now, hypothetical “Plan A” has turned the “Oops, my bad” method into the “It’s all good, ready for a shady drive” method. 


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