The Evolution of Danksgiving: A Chronic Chronology
- Written by Cody Manthei
- November 22, 2011
There’s a common misconception that the term “Danksgiving” was first coined by 21st century stoners, but Danksgiving is actually a holiday that has roots in regions all around the world.
Although each area celebrates the holiday with different rituals and traditions, Danksgiving almost always involves binge smoking (Danksgiving smoke sessions yield some of the highest highs humans have ever known) and binge eating (Danksgiving meals commonly consist of turkey and malt liquor in inhuman amounts). While the exact origins of this holiday are unclear, there have been a lot of historical happenings that we can look back on to see how and where Danksgiving has been celebrated throughout the years:
Approximately 115 B.C.E.: The widespread trade of marijuana first became popular during the Han Dynasty as the Silk Road flourished and provided an outlet to trade goods with distant neighbors. Once China got a hold of that sticky icky icky, they couldn’t put it down. Emperor Wang Mang was especially fond of the herb and thanked the colonists who traded it to him profusely. “Thanks, thanks!” he’d say as he inhaled a huge cloud of smoke. Thinking that Mang was saying, “danks,” the colonists soon began referring to their goods as “dank” and the term gained popularity quickly. Mang declared a holiday in its honor shortly afterward and everyone indulged to the fullest.
Sometime during the 12th Century: French explorers set foot in India with greedy motives until they realized that it was the day of Danksgiving. India got word of the celebration from China and hopped on the bandwagon. Once the French experienced the holy high that can only be experienced through this High Holiday, they left India and remained stoned for three full years after that. Initially feeling very high, hungry, and confused, the explorers ended up getting lost at sea and eventually landed in what is now known as Canada. Although disappointed to find themselves in Canada (as anyone would be) they were so elated about their newfound tradition that they decided to share it with the native people— the Inuit.
However, unbeknownst to the French, the Inuit already had a similar tradition, but they called it “Shinitogahoden.”At this point in time, the Inuit had a fairly unprecedented method for growing marijuana, but it undoubtedly yielded the best product in the world. They planted their seeds beneath the permafrost, which heightened the THC to levels that were previously unheard of. As it turns out, the French never wanted to leave and eventually formed a new ethnicity: French Canadians.
October 12th, 1492: Columbus founded America. (I don’t care what all you haters think.) And when he came, the Indians fed him the largest meal he had ever had. This meal was laced with the nectar of the gods: Weed. Columbus got so stoned that he stripped down after dinner and took a shit right on Plymouth Rock’s most prized rock. For a while they called it Shitmouth Rock, but the name didn’t last all that long because everyone was always too high to remember.
18th century: Historians believe that Danksgiving’s beginnings in the United States were likely rooted in the 18th century with our founding fathers. I mean, think about it. Would Franklin really have flown a kite with a small metal object if he weren’t totally stoned off his ass? No. He wouldn’t have.
18th century colonists were actually some of the biggest stoners of all time—while experimenting with the various ways to use marijuana, a group of colonists once put large amounts of kief into their teabags to soak into their beverage. The colonists were so high and delusional after drinking it that they believed the tea was evil. They dumped a bunch of tea into the Boston Harbor and caused a bunch of a political ruckus.
Today: Danksgiving has found a place in countless histories as marijuana slowly but surely found its way around the world. It’s one of the few holidays that can be shared among people of all different backgrounds and the only holiday that I’m truly thankful for. Happy Danksgiving!