The Five Most Annoying Classmates
- Written by Cassandra Welch
- April 19, 2012
It’s always something subtle: the slightly nasal timbre of her voice; the rhythmic rumbling of his sneakers as they brace on the legs of your chair; the excessive brightness of her laptop screen as she surfs Facebook in a darkened classroom. Whatever it is that makes you hate some of your classmates, it will make your hatred grow exponentially as the semester drags on. Now that we’re in the spring semester’s death throes, the minor annoyances are starting to boil over.
The Question Asker: The teacher’s bitch, these students normally sit in the front of the class. Before any class starts, they swarm the professor and question the material from the day before, or worse, the material for next Wednesday. Sometimes they make up questions on a whim just to hear their own obnoxious voices. Now during class, they seem to stop the professor after every sentence just to clarify what he already stated. The seats around them are vacant since every student absolutely hates them. Classes only tend to be 50 minutes long, but with one of these people in it, the lectures end up being a total of 25 minutes, and the rest gets wasted on endless, mindless questions.
The Question Answerer: Next to some askers are their own personal question answerers. “Sir, you said that the answer was 25, correct?” the asker inquires as the class lets out a collective eyeroll. And the answerer whispers in their ear the “correct” solution. Sometimes they may be right, but 95% of the time they should just shut up. They make an ass of themselves every day, but they don’t give a shit. Even the question asker becomes annoyed.
The Obnoxious Groups: You guys know what I’m talking about. The chicks and bros that always end up sitting together in classes. “Hey bro, I don’t remember shit from last night. What the hell happened?” Apparently this is supposed to get the babes to hit on them, but this just might be the dumbest approach ever. In big lectures, they all sit at the top so they can gossip about the night before. If you actually plan on learning something that day, you’re in for a disappointment. All you will get out of that class is the full scoop about how Chad did a keg stand and then landed up in bed with two girls. Also, that you apparently have a big assignment due next class that you’re just now managing to hear about over their tales of intoxicated “awesomeness.”
The Noise Makers: This category can range from the gum poppers to pencil tappers. Or foot shakers to food eaters. In my book, the gum poppers are the worst—right above paper cuts and below stupid pedestrians on Tennessee Street on the scale of annoyingness. They were probably raised on a farm, because the way they chew their gum is a lot like how cows chew grass. And if there is any silence at whatsoever, they think that it’s the perfect time for Mission: Snap Gum. The pencil taps come in as a close second. Oh, you want to become a drummer after you drop out of college? Yeah, keep your day job, buddy.
The Go-Greeners: It’s hard to tell what kind of student this is until you actually sit next to them. They smell like they just went dumpster diving, and then swam in a vat of dog shit. The answer they normally give on why they smell so bad is, “Oh, I’m trying to save water to help out the environment.” Hey, if you take a shower, at least your stench will stop drilling holes in the ozone layer. These students can be hipsters who don’t shave, or even a broke-ass guy who really has no money. At least the broke-ass guy has an excuse (although FYI you could always snag a free shower at the Leach).
Ugh, hippies are the worst. With summer just ahead, you’ll be devoid of these mild annoyances for several months. On the bright side, they’ll be replaced by annoying coworkers that you have to handle for three months. Hey, at least they’re paying you.