The Four People You Don’t Want At Your Super Bowl Party
- Article by Riley White
- February 4, 2012
America at its finest. Competition at its height. Sports at a level of supremacy. The Super Bowl is a combination of all things that we love, and Super Bowl parties are a fantastic excuse to get wasted and noisy on a Sunday. So we get excited, make food, borrow a bunch of chairs and set up a huge football squares pool. However, like any good party, Super Bowl soirees can easily be crashed by a crowd of cliché Super Bowl ruiners. It’s like poker, if you don’t know the person who’s going to ruin your great football holiday, you are that person. Please just ignore the Facebook invite that we sent you, do your penance in the silence of your single-bedroom apartment. Still unsure if you’re the douchebag in question? Well, are you…
The Bandwagon Fan: This is the guy who just started tweeting about football so he could feel cool and “in.” Only problem is, he doesn’t follow a single NFL team or know anything about the players, except for what he’s looked up on Wikipedia in the last two weeks. “Oh man, did you guys know that Matthew Stafford used to play for UGA? Now he plays for the Detroit Lions!” Yeah, yeah we did, because we’ve actually watched a football game before this one. So before you invite this guy who bought the team’s jersey on sale at TJ Maxx, think about the fact that he might not stop talking about the Aaron Rogers stats he pulled up on his iPhone on the car ride over here- you might just want to Tebow the game for him on your DVR to watch later.
The Guy Who Eats All The Snacks: So you finally came up with a reason to make all those appetizers you saw on Pinterest that you poured your heart, soul, and sour cream into. Then this guy shows up and eats them all, with no regard for the fact that the dip took you two trips to the grocery store and three hours to perfect. The family size bag of Fritos you thought were going to last you the whole game? Nobody’s even scored a touchdown yet and he’s devoured the whole thing. Watching this guy consume all your snacks is more intolerable than watching your team blow it after halftime, so leave him off the guest list.
The Die Hard Fan For The Other Team: Alright, in your defense, you had no idea that this girl was going to show up in full-fledged team gear. You’re a good sport though, so you welcome the competition... until she starts screaming immature things like “SCOREBOARD!” after every single four-yard run. Her team gets a first down and she’s taking three shots. Even when your team is up by six, she’s talking smack in your ear about your favorite player and cursing out the referee. If you guys lose... well, if you don’t invite her, you don’t have to find out.
The Girl Who Doesn’t Care At All: You hear the voice from the end of your couch say, “Is it almost over?” This is when your heart starts to race... is it possible you invited The Girl Who Doesn’t Care At All? “I LOVE E*Trade commercials! They are SO funny! Hey, where’s the vodka?” Oh dear, you did. There’s no worse person to invite to a Super Bowl party than an apathetic girl who came because there are boys and booze and nothing better to do on a Sunday. She rolls her eyes when everyone stands up and cheers. She complains when she tries to talk to the guy sitting next to her and he shushes her. And she asks... oh the nerve of her... she asks who’s winning.
So, football fans, be weary when you give out the address to your off-campus apartment for that classic American football game- the Super Bowl can turn scarier than Halloween when it comes to your invite list. Keep your friends close, and your enemies far, far away when. Enjoy the game.