The Gay Rights Activists’ Guide to Smuggling Chick-fil-A
- Article by Marie DeMersseman
- August 13, 2012
If you’ve had an opportunity to turn on your television recently, check your Facebook newsfeed, or have bothered to step out the door of your bat cave, you know that Chick-fil-A’s president, Dan Cathy, has stirred up some controversy, especially in the gay community. However, there is a much heavier burden hanging over the heads of die-hard gay rights activists; how in God’s name will they be able to enjoy a grease-soaked sandwich with waffle fries without being ridiculed by their boyfriends, girlfriends or activist friends? Here at The Black Sheep we have sniffed out a solution to this disastrous problem, and we’re here to help!
Let’s be honest, you’re a pretty popular guy. People know that angel face from miles away, and if they catch your rainbow-loving ass in Chick-fil-A, you might really get a talkin’ to. Your first option is to disguise yourself! Stick with the fake moustache and glasses and stay away from wearing all black and ski masks.
2) Lights, Camera, Action!
There are, in fact, situations where disguises aren’t going to cut it. When this happens you might have to put on your Hollywood pants and act. Let’s set the scene. You just got caught, milkshake in hand, with an orgasmic look on your face by someone who will definitely let the cat out of the bag about your bigotry-flavored chicken visit. Their facial expression morphs into a “how dare you” glare. This is your cue. Immediately explain that you have purchased your nugget meal not because you are going to sprint to your Toyota Corolla to enjoy it in silence and protection, but because you are going to take them to your apartment where you are going to burn them and chant obscenities as your gay friends make out in the background while simultaneously throwing rainbow confetti.
3) Food Shields
This is the perfect time to put your Lady Gaga lunchboxes and LGBT-stickered travel mugs to use. As soon as you pass the drive-thru window with your bagged lunch in hand, dump it straight into your food shield, and destroy any logo-covered evidence by means of the nearest garbage can. Remember, it’s always a good idea to keep your chicken behind your food shield at all times, but try not to hide your face and nervous, darting eyes behind it like a guilty velociraptor snacking on the last remains of the Jurassic Park cast.
4) Make a Deal
If the thought of setting foot into Chick-fil-A is just too dangerous at this point in time, don’t fret. You can always hire someone to purchase it for you. For precautionary methods do not give any employees your name, address or email; never let them see your face and always call your dealer from a blocked number. For the cheapest deals, it’s best to seek providers aged 13 and under, due to limited intelligence and for the wonderful truth that they will almost always accept a hot Budweiser in exchange for an upsized combo meal that is six to seven times more expensive.
5) The Slide Hide
Not only are these magical, kid-friendly constructions used to occupy snot-nosed toddlers while their young mothers engage in catty gossip and nasty Fifty Shades of Grey novels, they are also the ultimate hiding spots. Just stuff your chicken sandwich in your shirt and climb to the top. We suggest you take advantage of the area just before the slide’s entrance, it provides optimum comfort, space to dodge sticky-fingered four-year-olds, and it can be used as a watch tower to look out for anyone you may know. Just try your best to avoid security cameras and phrases like, “Don’t tell mommy about this.”
Take a deep breath friends, because you can maintain your nobility, and your Chick-fil-A-ddiction. With these precautions, your nugget binges never have to end. Long live gay rights and chocolate milkshakes. Long live heterosexuals, bisexuals, lesbians, gay men, Mad Men, pac-men, Boyz II Men, and “It’s Rainin’ Men,” (Hallelujah). Let us rejoice in stealing toddler’s kid’s meal books and exchanging them for ice cream. Viva la clean bathrooms and cow suits! This is ‘Merica, where personal opinions, freedom of speech, and controversy thrive like free-roaming chickens.