The Legend of the Biology Final
- Written by Ta Trammell
- May 3, 2012
Your palms sweat, breathing escalates and your mind twists and turns in a state of utter confusion. No, you’re not losing your virginity. It’s just your body’s reaction to your teacher’s explanation of your biology final. As she rants on and on about this beastly creature you can’t help but feel like you are the chosen one, on a quest to save the world (or in this case, your grade).
To complete this epic adventure you will need several items:
- A Dora the Explorer backpack, which includes a singing map, binoculars and several other items you may or may not need.
- Your biology textbook, also known as a super-boring dictionary that has the most magical of effects - the ability to put all but the most hardcore student to sleep in seconds.
- Flashcards and colorful markers to keep your inner child off life support, cool music and a colossal amount of caffeine.
Now that your knapsack is full of all the necessary items needed to complete your journey into the fiery pits of the much-feared biology final, you need to understand the risks you must take to survive. First, you must sacrifice your freedom. Just imagine you’ve been wrongly accused for a crime, and the only way you can be set free is by getting an “A” on the final.
The next thing you must sacrifice is your food consumption. Your late night Shafer and Cane’s dates are over. Everything is super quick, microwaveable or extremely bad for you. You from here on out can’t afford to eat healthy; it takes entirely too much time.
The last sacrifice will be the hardest, but it will ultimately free up your schedule. You must eliminate “boo time.” I know what you’re thinking – all that sexual frustration will make you angry and bitter, causing you to slip into bouts of Hulk-like rage. The grass will be greener (and you less so) on the other side. A study conducted by the Harvard Association of Righteous Dorks (AKA HARD) states that sexual frustration is a great motivator to achieving high grades.
Ok, now that you’re well prepared it’s time to officially start your journey toward academic excellence. The first small step for studentkind begins with verbalizing your desire to study. Don’t actually begin. Procrastination is a necessary part of the process. Everyone does it. Finals success is just easier when one says that they’re going to take the tests without committing to hours of study. In the procrastination phase just YOLO everything and convince yourself that you’ll be fine without studying. Then you find yourself at CVS filling an 180mg supply of depression meds, all because the “F” you might earn sends you into a deep, dark place you can’t escape.
After all the procrastination is out of your system, you’re left with only one option – Nike. Just do it. You make outlines, use your flashcards and highlight your book until it looks like it was meant for coloring. Just keep your eyes on the prize, and don’t look back. Even if jealousy is steaming inside of you because of your friend’s effortless exam schedule, stay focused.
As you hand in your final exam, recall Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Just because he got his hands on the treasure didn’t mean the day was won. No, he still had to escape. Run back to your backpack, throw everything inside and sprint out of the classroom at maximum speed. Not until you’re outside can you inhale a breath of sweet, sweet freedom. Suck on that, mitochondrial DNA!