The Outer Limits of Cyberspace
- Written by Adam Carver
- February 28, 2012
I didn’t think it was possible, but here I am. I’ve done it. I’ve immersed myself in 4chan and reddit, washed ashore the endless beaches of internet porn, and clicked on every single “Win a free ___” pop-up. I have made it to the end of the interwebs, children.
It took me months to reach such an auspicious milestone. I haven’t showered or shaved in so long that I have ingrown hairs on my stomach from my beard. I have bed rot on my ass and the constant flow of electricity into my babymakers from my laptop has made my sperm commit Jim Jones-style mass suicide (the cult leader, not the rapper).
Taking on this huge task was not a thing to do alone. I started with three of my buddies, each skilled in a different aspect of cyberspace navigation. I was the only one who made it.
Andrew, my trusted pal and geek guru, got lost among the memes. He started speaking only in memes until he turned into a whole new collection of bogus comments.
My girlfriend lost her life trying to navigate and avoid all the masochistic, emo boys and girls. It was actually quite honorable as she tried to cheer up and save all the suicidal kids on chat rooms and message boards. Her last words were a song by The Spill Canvas that she would sing to keep up our spirits on the deserted plains of MySpace.
Our final member got lost in the hate group web servers. Justin had to bring down the evil of people’s thoughts from the inside. Never one to back down from a fight, he wore them all down until the Westboro Baptist Church became a daycare for at-risk racists. If you hear anything about the Al-Qaeda, that’s Justin doing something elaborate to feed them enough misinformation to force them to kill themselves.
I don’t know how I made it further than my team. I walked the same route, uphill every step, as we plunged deeper into the most diverse and scary environment I’ve ever been in. We ran into the ghosts in the machine, forgotten monsters and villains of the World Wide Web’s yesteryear. We had one simple task: get to the end. We weren’t supposed to influence times or cultures with our own views and hopes. We couldn’t change a thing. We were not unlike time travelers in our police boxes and DeLoreans, we could only observe.
Standing here now alone from the end of the internet (url: bankofamerica.com), I can’t help but quiver at the sheer weight of the internet. I can tell you now, the internet is pure evil. I lost three friends learning this, probably hundreds more. Facebook sits atop the land of the HTML, lording over all of us, poking us and liking us arbitrarily to wear down our self worth. Twitter would send armies of 140 soldiers or less to shut us down. Pornography was at every turn; making most of us choose celibacy early in the journey. To hell with traveling to the center of the Earth or Mars, this is the final frontier, and for good reason.
No one should ever attempt to find what cyberspace has in store for him or her. Violence and evil permeate a medium naively meant for commerce and keeping in touch. Children will be lured into dark places and animals and families will be torn apart. Stay off the internet. It feeds on your fears and primal screams. Take it from me, the man who survived the internet.