The Penis Apologies: A Companion Piece to the Vagina Monologues

 

The penis—the pole, the cock, the Magic Johnson—by any other name would spray as sweet. If there’s one thing this joystick has going for itself, it’s respecting women since the dawn of penis-kind. Now, since The Black Sheep believes in the goodness that is the penis, and has never been above a good dick quip, we’ve called in some infamous duders well known for crimes against cooter-kind to issue a formal penis apology and, hopefully, redeem themselves.

 

Charlie Sheen: actor, drug lord, self-proclaimed juggalo: I, Carlos Irwin Estévez, better known as Charlie Sheen i.e. the world’s greatest actor, would like to tell all you ladies about the little penis that could. Since the other testicle dropped, I’ve had a four-inch penis, and, alas, most women just don’t like it that wide. I am the face of adversity and a debilitating disease known as chode-itis. I’ve turned to massive drug binges, hashtags, and running with a terrifying gang known as the Insane Clown Posse to cope with my condition. But, I can assure you, ladies, I’m on the road to recovery. I’m respecting women daily and I’m even dating again, although, currently, it’s mostly sets of adult film actresses in the first step to becoming more relatable and working on my sensitivity towards real, wholesome women. So from me to you—less misogyny, more mammary.

 

Chris Brown: R&B artist, sexually confused man, guilty of more hits that don’t top the charts than do: Now, ladies, I know what you’re thinking: I just a little rude boy who like to beat up my girlfriend, Rihanna. Let me set the record straight—one time she may have fell into my clenched fist that I was swinging, but, as I’ve stated in several interviews I, Christopher Maurice Brown, am not a violent person. More importantly, I am not a sexist. If I were someone who enjoyed the occasional high of assault and battery, we can at least say it is equal opportunity. Frank Ocean had it comin’ big time. I am just a gentle, misunderstood phenom, and I will defend the Brown name, as well as the tattoo on my neck. Damn, son, I ain’t got nothin’ ta be sorry fo. I’m pretty much Jesus.

 

Mel Gibson: actor/director, Aussie, lover of Chris Brown as well as Jesus: I, Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson, have realized the injustices I have committed against said sacred snatch after my tedious bouts of disappointing and mildly-consensual sex with Mrs. Mel.  Recently, the result has always been the same, I’d toss a softy and she’d let out some vaginal farts from that cavernous pleasure hole that had once bore me six little Mels, plus, two little women who will someday make great mothers to a flock of even littler Mels.

 

If it weren’t for my pulling a Braveheart and prima nocta-ing up the old wife-y all those years ago, I might have been a free man sooner. I wasn’t going to be the one to properly ask for the divorce, because, dammit, I’m a Catholic and proud! However, that’s not to say I can’t dabble in domestic abuse and anti-Semitism until that heathen bitch calls this marriage quits and leaves me a more broken man than my sad, alcoholic, and intolerant ass had been before. 

 

I send you this message as a desperate plea for female nurturing to help me get off the sauce and, instead, to get off in you. No fatties, whites only, and between the ages of 18 and 20 is preferred.  

 

Dicks are patient, dicks are kind. It does envy, it does boast, it is proud.  So a penis there, a penis here, a penis everyday in the ear.  Ladies, next time you’re embracing your inner goddess while sticking it to the Sheen and flickin’ the bean, remember men are really just chicks with dicks. With the intensity of a burning UTI that just won’t quit, our hope here at TBS is that the penis apologies may serve to bring hoes and bros together after a few thousand years of pecker-centricism.

 

 
 
 
 
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