The People You Won't Miss
- Written by Saundra Michelle
- May 4, 2012
So you’re starting to pack all of the crap that you’ve managed to load into your room over the past 9 months. Every person you’ve managed to wave out in your hall stops by to inform you that they will miss you more than life itself. Well congratulations, Mr. Popular. As much as you smile and hug these people, you will not miss the special ones that managed to somehow make each day in the dorm slightly less fun that having your hair pulled out by an ox on steroids. If you are unsure of whom these Grim Reapers of Sanity are, see if you recognize any of the following:
The Negative Nelly: Oh, you know her. Somehow each time you ask her how her day has been she manages to be more miserable than you were on the day your childhood pet died. She is either crying, whining, or sleeping away the pain that is her miserable life. She can’t even smile long enough for you to actually know if she even has teeth. Quite honestly, the only time she’s not complaining is when she’s listening to you complain about that one girl in the hall that is always so fucking sad. As she agrees and then goes on to tell you about her top ten most horrible days of her life, you just sit in smile and you wait for someone to just put her out of her misery.
The Drunk Bitch: Have you ever been woken up at 3 in the morning by your neighbor screaming at the top of her lungs because: a) she can’t find her keys and b) she just consumed her body weight in jungle juice and Jell-o shots? Then it’s probably because you don’t live near this girl. Don’t get me wrong, I like getting white-girl-wasted too. The problem with this girl is that your hatred for her in the wee hours of the morning transfers to the daylight hours, in which even a smile from her makes you want to drop kick her hungover ass in the face.
The Angry Asshole: This hallmate is usually the male version of the drunk bitch. However, instead of acting like a total slut and undressing in the hallways, he throws chairs down the hall and kicks the vending machines. Somehow he manages to fit every curse word under the sun in to one sentence as he yells through his keyhole to wake up his slumbering roommate. Sadly, the roommate has already invested in the strongest ear plugs ever known to man as he, and everyone else, has been dealing with this shit for an entire year.
That Guy You Never See: Unlike the people who you’ve seen and heard way too much of, this is the one person that you didn’t know existed for the first six months of school. You’re not even completely sure where exactly his room is, as you have no idea what his name is. One turn of your head and he completely disappears. Drunk you probably screamed at him a few times. Hell, you may have even had a conversation. At the end of the day you don’t know him, and he doesn’t even want to know you, thinking that you are the drunk bitch or the angry asshole. You will later yearn to learn his invisibility skills as you move into yet another dorm with a whole new pool of idiots.
It’s okay to hate your hallmates. It’s even more okay to wish them off the face of the planet. But congratulations, because this is the end. While you spend your time toasting to your first high-paying job, they’ll be drinking to cover up the tears that go along with their mediocre entry-level jobs. Karma’s a bitch, maybe they should have been decent human beings freshman year of college.