The Rubber Match
- Written by Evans Prater
- November 25, 2011
While safe sex may not be at the top of your priority list, some of us just can’t resist keeping our willies nilly of any unnecessary contamination. So, we use condoms. Of course, although sex the natural way feels much better (trust us, freshmen), using a condom is the easiest way to prevent a one-night-stand from becoming a lifetime of regret (the one STD worse than AIDS, a kid).
So, here at your favorite magazine we decided to head down to our labs and test the five best-selling condoms in America to see which one provides the most comfort, durability, and prevent-a-baby-or-STD-ility. You’re welcome.
Basically, to test the durability of our condom contestants, we just banged this hooker few found behind the Arby’s. If we didn’t get anything, it passed. Eh, that’s a lie. Instead, we filled each condom up with water until it burst, recording both the volume of water it could hold, and the degree of the stretch.
After hours of laborious research here are the results:
5. Trojan Magnum: Yeah, we really didn’t even look up the best selling condoms in the U.S. Sorry, if you want boring news, go read The Yeti. But anyways, we just couldn’t resist. We had to rank these fifth though, because we know that most of you have tiny dicks and won’t be purchasing them any time soon.
The Magnums held 12 cups of water and stretched to 39 inches before tearing. We were like “Whoa” too. But, unless you’re endowed like we are, this information means nothing to you. Choose number 4, limpy.
4. Some shitty gas station condom: Ok, we don’t have any real information on this one, but let’s be honest; truckers and prostitutes probably use gas station condoms pretty often. So we had to test one out.
These little life savers (or should we say, preventers) only held 2.5 cups of water and stretched to 15 inches before tearing. They’d probably be better used as Christmas decorations or dog hats.
3. Lifestyles Sheer Pleasure: Surprisingly, the Sheer Pleasure condoms held 5.5 cups of water before bursting and stretched to 22.3 inches before tearing. Why third place, then? Because the second you open them they smell worse than the vag you’re about to pound. I don’t know what they’re thinking at the Lifestyles factory, or if we just got a bad batch that happen to have had cat urine spilled in them, but damn, these are some stinky jimmy caps.
2. Durex Extra Sensitive:
Durex condoms are the second best selling in the United States. After testing these condoms it’s easy to see why someone coined the phrase, “Second place is first loser.” The Extra Sensitives only held 5 cups of water before bursting, and only stretched to 22 inches before tearing. Pretty puny performance (pretty sure you’ve heard that one before) compared to number one.
On a more personal note, the lube in these things was akin to shitty vegetable oil; they got dry and unusable within three minutes of insertion (no not into a vagina, you sick bastard).
1. Trojan Ecstasy: According to Slate.com, Trojan condoms account for 70.5 percent of sales in the condom world. That’s a lot of latex. And, as we can see here, it’s pretty obvious why: the Ecstasy condom has ribs from head to base, a shit-ton of lube, and can stretch like a yogi. Among other stress tests, we filled the Ecstasy with 7 cups of water before it burst. That’s 56 ounces, math majors. It looked like a dick-blimp. It was awesome.
The Ecstasy also stretched a whopping 27 inches before it broke, more than any other regular size condom. While some of you may have “average” size penises, we here at The Black Sheep have really large ones, just ask your grandma. Moving on.
After we were done testing we spent a good hour scrubbing lube off our hands, blowing up extras having dicksaber fights, and coming in and out of consciousness (we have no explanation for this). Then we had unprotected sex with our girlfriends because they’re on birth control. So, next time you’re in the condom aisle at Walmart, try and remember this invaluable information you’ve read today. Or don’t, it’s not like you’re going to get laid anyways.