BlackSheep

The School of Hard Cocks

By: Mitch Vaginapun

College is tough. You have to remember to eat, find a way to have sex without your roommates cock-blocking you, and find the right level of alcoholism where people still think a high tolerance is cool instead of depressing. And on top of all of that, there’s class. Book learning is hard, too. You have to figure out fractions, know how to read, and figure out a way to hold a pencil with two 40s taped to your hands. Thankfully, there’s always a way to turn a weakness into a strength—take that meaty Mentos roll out of your pants and use it to pass your classes.


It’s Monday, 7:50 am. You wake up only to realize you have a huge boner and 10 minutes to get your class in the Femley Annex. There’s no way you’ll be able to navigate that maze in time, and science is boring as shit. What do you do? Use that boner for good. Call the nerdy girl in your study group. Tell her in exchange taking your clicker quiz for you, you’ll quiz her on “This is what a penis feels like.” She’ll say yes, because chicks are totally into you. Now get your ass back into bed and do the same thing for your next 3 classes.


Sometimes notes aren’t enough to keep your grade up, though. When you’ve got homework to do, there’s no reason you can’t put that on someone’s shoulders in exchange for putting your schlong right next to it. Getting that Jabba the Hutt-eqsue girl to do your homework for you is worth giving her a little work below the belt. Just close your eyes and pretend she’s actually Jabba the Hutt. That’d be a great story. You could tell all your friends you did it with Jabba the Hutt and that he even let you wear that sweet gold bikini. They’ll be so impressed, they’ll probably be honored to do your homework for you! Just imagine yelling at the people on your floor to do your homework and/or have sex with you in Huttese. U kalle rah doe kankee kung.


Sometimes, things can get really messy. When it comes down to it, you’re going to need to get that work delivered back to you. That’s where your roommates can help you out. You can either offer some loving to them, making them wear a penis suit and constantly proclaim how quick they are, but then you’d be like all of the frats I’ve ever rushed for - and they’re all totally losers that I was way too cool for. Instead, just give your roommates a little peek of that love stick you’ve got slapping against your leg and they’ll go pick up your work to return the favor.


Accidents can happen though, and you might need to get an extension if any of your wang trades fall through. There’s no better way to get your teacher to give you an extension than by giving her one back. If you’re good enough (or in some extreme cases bad enough) at sex, your teacher might just forget the whole assignment thing and tell that it’s okay, she’s seen smaller and not everyone can last a long time. If your professors won’t let you have sex with them, offer to have sex with those closest to them—loved ones, class favorites, other professors, or even random homeless people. She’ll see the kindness in your heart and the redness of your long-dong and won’t be able to resist. Either that r you’ll just get kicked out, in which case, eh, you tried. 


You don’t have to be smart to get through college. Just take these tips with you and remember, always think with your head. Shaft.