The Seven Circles of Smashed

The Seven Circles of Smashed

Article by Katrina Nicholson
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March 30, 2012
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You just walked out of your last (okay, first) Friday (okay, Tuesday) class, and you need a drink. As the sweet smell of gin wafts past your olfactory nerve you think about the good times you’re certain to forget. Why? You’re getting mach five drunk tonight. Still, like an Amtrak ride, the trip is just as fun as the destination. Here’s how you get there:

The Eager Beaver: This is the stage of drunkenness before you actually start drinking. You're preparing for being drunk and you're anticipating the exciting vibes that will eventually be flowing through your veins. Generally, this feeling overtakes you when you purchase your chasers and get dressed up for a crazy night out. Some people get excited knowing the night that lies ahead. Others are calm and sleep the day away in order to prepare their body for the insanity it is about to face. Finally, many like to drink a lot of water, planning ahead to make the hangover as painless as possible. It’s time to see how this Thirsty Thursday progresses.

Buzzing: You can tell the alcohol is starting to take affect but it's only just begun. It's that in-between stage between being real drunk and fake drunk. You’re not fake drunk, but you’re not to the point that you want to be. You’re becoming impatient as you wait for the drunkness to hit you. However, you’re happy, because you know that once it does hit, a tremendous amount of adventure lies ahead. This is where the levelheaded decision making occurs.

Tipsy: Now you're ready to get down and dance. You start talking louder and more obnoxiously. Things start to get exciting and you're ready to get out and go to the party. Your inhibitions are low, but decent decision making skills are still intact. Logically, this is the point where everyone should technically stop drinking and enjoy the rest of the night. Yeah, that’ll happen.

Drunk: Some slurring starts and you emotions run haywire. You keep on bitching about stuff that doesn't actually matter. Not to mention your balance is done for. You get up and smack a wall but don’t feel a thing. Everyone keeps shouting, trying to be louder than the person next to him or her. Meanwhile, the music is now blasting so loud the neighbors are calling the cops.

Sloppy Drunk:You continue to make mixed drinks with too much booze in them, while your friend continues adding booze to their already-too-strong drink. This is where the drunchies kick in. You crave any kind of unhealthy food, and will eat anything in sight. Not only are you stuffing your face, but you start thinking about stuffing a hole, deciding to hit on the closest person in a five-foot radius. When that doesn’t work, you begin sending inappropriate texts to exes, past hookups, and even randos that should be deleted from your phone.

See You Tomorrow: Any time you say or do anything it's a liability. Embarrassing confessions are made, and relationships have the potential to take a turn for the worst. You lie by the toilet and pour out your soul to the porcelain god. In college this is to be expected at least once in your career, but it's almost guaranteed that the next day you'll re-evaluate whether or not you ever want to drink again in your life.

Hangover stage: Chances are, reader, you’re at this stage right now. Many of you are wondering what the hell you were thinking drinking on a Thursday with an 8a.m. class on Friday. You’re hungry for any fried food you can get your hands on. You are tired as all hell, with a nauseating stomachache that lasts the entire day. The best cure for now is to waste the day in bed sucking down water, eating until your stomach no longer hates you, and enjoying the stories of last night.

So there you have it, the stages of drunkenness that encompass a college student's life. Just remember that once you hit the point of no return, you will hate yourself the next day, and perhaps for the next week. Who cares, at least you got a few good stories!