Thinking Outside the Box: Unexpectedly Super Sexy Halloween Costumes
- Written by Kirsten Steuber
- October 22, 2011
How could anyone have a problem with Halloween? Free candy, homages to the Dark Lord himself, and a chance to finally exploit the naughty side of all your favorite childhood characters! Minnie Mouse? An erotic rodent desperate to give a peek of her polka-dot bloomers. Taco Steve? A daring look at the raunchy side of beef. Spongebob? A school girl proudly displaying a buck-toothed yellow face across her chest: a freckly underwater beast sporting an unforgivingly sexy tie.
Things getting sweaty enough for ya? Let’s go deeper.
Ladies throw down those Milky-Ways and grab a Three Musketeers (for 75% less calories) because Halloween is your time to get freaky. I know what you’re thinking, “I want to look like an expensive Hooker, and be respected for my brain. How can I show both in one costume?” Well, you’re all damn lucky to have me, because I’ll tell you how you can achieve both in one simple little woman-brain sized term: Creativity.
BOOOOOM! You want to douse the crowd in raw sex appeal and show people how much of a sassy spitfire you are? How ‘bout instead of squeezing into something a little more fitted and pulling on the ol’ puma ears, perhaps try one of these hot, hot, HOT! options to ensure you have the whole room standing at attention. (And by room I mean penises.)
Mrs. Doubtfire: Help is on the way dear, and this time, it’s sexy. What turns on a man more than the idea of falling prey to a luscious, commanding cougar? She’s an older woman ready to rock his world and order catering. For this look grab a pair of ripped panty hoes, your sluttiest wool skirt, and the puffiest shirt you can pin a broach too. Don’t forget the face!
Bonus: You’ll always look sexier than Robin Williams.
Similar options: Bea Arthur, any of the Golden Girls, Julie Andrews in The Princess Diaries
Dinosaur: You must be from the Curvatious Period. Raaaarrrrr. Why settle for the mundane mambsy- pambsy of modern creatures when you can dominate the jungle centuries before mankind? For this look start by painting your face green, add a spikey tail trailing down from dat booty, and finish off with a green hoodie you’ve sown dinosaur eyes to the hood of. Don’t forget the green leather mini-skirt and Lee Press-on claws.
Bonus: Enough dinosaur species for all your biatches to join in on the fun! Make sure that boy who’s totally flirting with you knows you’re the mastermind.
Similar Options: Wholly Mammoth, Saber Tooth Tiger, Dodo
Helen Keller: “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. Strong, silent, and boldly overcoming diversity, this historical hottie is everything you need to reap in the men. For this look don any old light muslin frock in the flower print of your choice, roll your hair into a loose bun, and vaguely stare out of focus.
Bonus: No one will be able to tell if you’re drunk or in character.
Similar options: Little Orphan Annie, Anne Frank, Abigail Breslin
Flo from the Progressive Ads: Progressive insures cars, trucks and RVs. Flo ensures the ride of your life. Save time and money by bundling the two together. For this look pick up a blue headband, dig out that white apron, bump up your hair to death-defying levels, and pin on a your naughtiest name tag. Last but not least: the ruby lipstick and can-do attitude!
Bonus: Men find nothing sexier than a girl who knows about insurance. Just make sure you offer to appraise their vehicle.
Similar options: Free Credit Report. Com Band, Tucan Sam, the “Where’s the Beef” Lady