The Very Best: This is Why Your Daughter Hates You

 

Let’s be honest: reality TV is bad. So bad, in fact, that it’s good. What’s better than a nice glass of wine and a new episode of Bad Girls Club on a Tuesday night? We like reality TV because it makes us feel better about our own lives… plus it’s all fake so it doesn’t matter anyway, right? 

 

Wrong, at least when it comes to the new crop of reality shows that revolve around subjecting children to the spotlight for your personal gain. I’m calling you out, Toddlers & Tiaras! Looking at you, Dance Moms! You watch six-year-old Eden Wood gyrating on a beauty pageant stage in Texas, or a militant dance teacher making a seven-year-old cry for one wrong dance step, and you must be asking yourself “How can this not be fake? Who’d actually think this was okay? Who’d subject their kids to this?” Rednecks, that’s who.

 

Okay, sorry. I’m not here to pass judgment on pageant or dance moms. I’m here to talk about why these two reality shows are so deliciously trashy that we just can’t not watch them. Because I am so well-versed in these lowbrow programs and realize that not everyone can waste so much time on watching them, I’m here to fill you in on what you’ve been missing. 

 

Toddlers & Tiaras: Southern mothers (and sometimes over-zealous fathers, which is creepy in its own right) enter their daughters (sometimes sons, equally creepy), aged infant to preteen, into these things called glitz pageants. Drama ensues when Mackenzie Ann doesn’t want to wear her $85 custom-made headpiece and Porsche wants to eat twelve Pixy Stix (affectionately dubbed “pageant crack”) against her mother’s wishes. In the end, someone wins Miss Grand Supreme and some cash, someone (mother or contestant?) pitches a bitch fit, and we’re satisfied and very, very thankful that the worst thing our moms ever did to us was dress us in turtlenecks and stirrup pants.

 

Dance Moms: Missed out on Toddlers & Tiaras this week? Don’t sweat it, you can still get your dose of mothers forcing their overworked, stressed daughters into the spotlight with Dance Moms! Dance Moms follows a group of mothers and their 7-to-13-year-old daughters who take dance lessons from Abby Lee Miller. Abby Lee is a fat woman who no one in their right mind would pay to teach any sort of physical activity, yet somehow manages to produce nationally-ranked dancers. Nearly everyone on the show has a bad attitude of some sort and there’s a lot of drama… but damn it, those girls win! They also  cry…a lot. These little ladies are out of school more than they’re in it, and rehearse their overly-sexualized dance routines for hours a day so that they’ll take home first place at that weekend’s dance competition! What’s not to love? PS: Regular shouting matches ensue between Abby Lee, who is legitimately crazy, and the titular dance moms, who like to drink and live out their childhood fantasies through their daughters. 

 

So there you have it. Next time you’re feeling down, have a glass of wine, watch these shows, and be glad that your mother didn’t subject you to these things. Suddenly that time Mom made you sing a solo in the church musical doesn’t seem so bad after all, does it? 

 

 
 
 
 
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