Top 10: Improved Olympic Events

• Article by Alex Dim
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• July 20, 2012
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10) Equestrianism: In the 21st century, we now have fairer race and gender relations, but no attention is given to the sector of society involving short, rich, white people that like to ride horsies. In the spirit of equality, after every jockey finishes the course, the horse gets to attempt riding the jockey around the same area. 

9) Archery: This event is most notable for starting philosophical discussions, including questions like, “If an athletic event takes place in the woods, and no one gives a shit, did it happen at all?” or, “Can we call it a sport if the world’s fattest man can do it without getting winded?” Switching from stationary targets to moving, preferably living, targets is advisable. In order to appropriately capture the spirit of international completion, this could also become the new forum for political assassinations.

8) Badminton: As any amateur observer of high school gym classes can tell you, badminton has a remarkable propensity for attracting fat emo girls and Asians. In Olympic tournaments the latter is well represented, whereas the former is completely forgotten. It’s time for this silenced majority to stand up and say, “We don’t care that no country has the money or raw materials necessary to manufacture our quilt-sized uniforms, decorated with skulls for flare and attitude. We demand to play!”

7) Field Hockey: A sportscaster once summed up the sport by saying, “Field hockey is exactly like regular hockey… minus speed and grace.” Let’s embrace this difference by mandating weighted uniforms, sticks and pucks. Let’s even mandate a minimum weight requirement to keep all those skinny bitches out. You already have dancing, fun, and attention. Leave this one for the chubbs. 

6) Basketball: In 2008, the USA Men’s Basketball Team won by an average of thirty points per game. Clearly it isn’t fair for the wealthiest nation in the world to play a game it invented without a handicap. A simple solution would be to send our women’s team instead. 

5) Handball: This sport is confusing, but it seems to just be a combination of almost every sport known to mankind. It’s like we just got lazy and decided to fill that one open spot in the Olympics by pulling something out of our ass. Let’s change ‘hand’ to ‘foot’ and get a real friggin’ sport in there, another event that America can dominate.

4) Fencing: The regulation swords used in fencing are designed to occupy the realm between metal and rubber. This is spitting in the face of dueling which was created to avoid compromise at all costs. The solution is simple: Fencers should be required to fight with pool noodles. They’re a lot cheaper, and spectators would actually be able to see what is happening.

3) Water Polo: It’s time to decide: What is more important to the Olympic Committee, water or polo? Well, dismiss the water. How long will we go on playing this game before someone drowns, and we finally learn from our mistakes? How high must you fly, Icarus?

2) Table Tennis: Ah, ping-pong. It has been called “the game of emperors and bandits alike,” because of its worldly appeal. A handless boy from Yemen can play just as well as a shoeless Wall Street trader. The idea of non-amateurs competing against each other in any venue other than a garage or game room is disgusting. The solution is to model ping-pong stadiums after said rooms, filled with cobwebs, beer koozies and dim lighting for all.

1) Synchronized Diving: Although combining diving with more diving might have seemed like a good idea at the time, it has become the ultimate example of overreaching, a modern day Frankenstein, if you will. This year’s spectators should be punished by being forced to view a still pool of water for hours on end, JUST LIKE POSEIDON INTENDED!