Top 10: Things a Professor Should Say on the First Day of Class

Top 10: Things a Professor Should Say on the First Day of Class

Article by Jess Wise
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August 17, 2012
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10) “Class is cancelled”: Even though all you have to do for the first class is show up with a pencil, trying to remain conscious for an hour is a tall order after three months of lolling by the pool. Nothing feels more like winning the lottery than sauntering out of Caldwell Hall without having to feign interest in the academic honesty policy for the thirty-fifth time.

9) “I’ll be awarding cash prizes instead of grades”: Speaking of winning the lottery – JACKPOT! We don’t know about you, but we would absolutely put in extra hours at the library if it meant buying something other than cheep beer at Max Bar.

8) “Texting is encouraged”: It’s really adorable that professors think they can outlaw cell phones in their classrooms, too bad it’s 2012. If teachers really want students to pay attention, we suggest adding flamethrowers to the slideshow (or at least some really bitchin’ lasers). At least then we’d have something really good to text our friends.

7) “There is no attendance policy”: Some professors are of the mind that, as adults, college students can realize for themselves the importance of attending class. These professors are visionaries. Who knows better than you if you need a nap on Wednesday? No one.

6) “The required books for this class are the Harry Potter series”: Have you read those books lately? Good, evil, adventure, tragedy – Rowling thought of EVERYTHING. There’d be no need to daydream in ENGL1101 if the discussion centered around Mr. Potter, the class would totally alohomora your mind.

5) “Extra credit to any student who attends the football games.”: No problem, amigo! The entire student body attends the games already, as Sanford Stadium give students the opportunity to combine their two favorite activities: drinking beer and chanting “U-G-A!”

4) “This class is BYOB”: Teachers drawing on the official pastime of Athens are sure to get high marks on their end-of-semester evaluations. Sure, the text box under, “What did you like most about this class?” would be mostly gibberish about how much you, “like, totally love you, teach,” but a professor will do anything for tenure these days.

3) “Students in this class will receive a private taxi around campus”: Have you noticed walking around campus is reminiscent of a Himalayan excursion, sans-sherpas? That, coupled with the general insanity of the bus system and the unprovoked surliness of the drivers, leads one to think the opportunity to go peacefully and efficiently down Lumpkin would be more valuable than a legit fake.

2) “We will be taking field trips. They will all be to mini-golf courses”: Who doesn’t love putt-putt? Even Hillary “Stony-Faced” Clinton would get a case of the giggles while nailing her ball through the clown’s mouth.

1) “Welcome to NPTM 1001, aka Nap Time 1001”: A six-credit hour class held every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, right after lunch. This class is not BYOB, but BYOP (bring your own pillow). Top marks go to the most enthusiastic sleepers!