Top 10: Things to Do With a Raw Turkey


10. Have sex with it

Oh, don’t be so prudish. You do know that there’s an entire market out there for bestiality fetishes, right? People have their needs, and if that need is to make sweet love to a cold, slimy turkey, then dammit let it happen!


9. Stuff It

Okay, so maybe you don't want to have sex with it (and thus stuff it with your genitalia), but stuffing the turkey is a great option. Screw John Madden and his Turducken, it's time to get creative. Try out a papaya, a pigeon, lots of bacon, and a it a Turpigaconpasquir.


8. Hand puppets!

Have any little brothers or sisters? Here’s a fantastic way to pass the time during Thanksgiving break! Take the raw turkey, stick your hand up it, and use it as a puppet. You can even get multiple turkeys to put on both hands (or feet) and really get crazy with the plot of your puppet show. Trust me, your little sister won’t be creeped out at all. If anything, she’ll learn a few life lessons out of your performance.


7. Treat it like your own child

Maybe if you don’t have any littler brothers or sisters, or friends, or family, you can buy a turkey and pretend like it's your child. Buy a crib for it, rock it, talk to it, breast feed it... do whatever it is that will make it seem as realistic as possible. And there’s no pressure in actually keeping it alive, because it’s only a dead turkey! Win-win!


6. Throw it under a moving vehicle to make the driver think that they just ran over a child

Thanksgiving break tends to get a little boring, so you gotta do something to pass the time. Since there are overabundances of turkeys in the grocery stores during November, you might as well buy some to play a few tricks. At night, throw one at a car to make the driver think that he or she just ran over a kid. After they screech to a stop in a panic, yell “Just kidding, it was only a turkey! Silly!” And run away.


5. Throw it through someone’s window while they’re sleeping

Maybe that last one was a little extreme and immoral. So instead, throw a turkey through your enemy’s window in the middle of the night. Image the look on that person’s face after being woken up by getting knocked in the dome by a turkey. Priceless.


4. Blow it up

The only thing better than throwing a turkey at someone is blowing one up. This is totally encouraged in society. Remember the whole Mentos-in-Diet-Coke trick that your teachers taught you in high school? This is very similar, except now you’re putting an explosive inside of a turkey! It’s like the poultry version of the Fourth of July. Blood and guts everywhere.


3. Have it be your “Thanksgiving Dinner Guest”

Going along with not having any friends or family, make the turkey one of your guests at your very own Thanksgiving dinner. This will give you an excuse to set another plate on the table besides just your own. You poor, poor soul.


2. Eat it raw while crying

This doesn’t really need much explaining. Just do it at your own risk.


1. Cook it

Or, you can be a normal person and do what normal people do with raw turkeys: Cook it. They’re pretty tasty once actually cooked or fried, and it’s a nice tradition. Then you can use the bones to make soup the next day. Man, there’s so much to do with a turkey. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


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