Top 10: Ways To Get Kicked Out of the Bar
- Article by Jessica Sommers
- June 16, 2010
There's a lot of fun things to do at the bar, such as getting into fights and getting naked. Unfortunately, these aren't socially acceptable. Why can't the whole world be like Amsterdam?
10: Punching the Jukebox: You're pissed because some douche bag requested another Chumbawamba song. You patiently wait until the next song comes on and when it's Len's "Steal My Sunshine," the angry rage is released and you bust the glass wide open. As the bouncer approaches to kick your ass out, you knock it over for dramatic effect and throw your drink at the cargo-short wearing frat boy yelling 'What is this, 1998?!'
9: Stealing the Gumball Machine: You and your friend have a few too many lemon drops and now have the perfect plan; see who can fit the most gumballs in their mouth. The accomplice distracts the bouncer, perhaps by swirling his chest hair within her finger. You then hoist up the gumball machine with all your might and book it out the back door. Things start getting tricky when you lose your balance and drop the damn thing, with gumballs rolling all over the place. Nice work, ya drunk asshole.
8: Reaching Over the Bar: God, you're so cool and awesome that you don't have to wait for the stupid bartenders to get your order. You're such a badass that you just reach your silly little arm across the bar and grab a bottle of beer or a fifth of something and pour it in your glass. Suddenly the person next to you starts chanting "Ass-hole! Ass-hole!" and then the whole bar gets going. As the bartender yells for the bouncer to kick you out, you back away with your hands in the air and then run before anyone notices it was you.
7: Attempting to Steal the Microphone: Ahh this 80s cover band is the best! Oh my gosh! You think you're the shit and want to steal the show, so you hop on stage, exposing your panties to the front row, and hip-bump the lead singer out of the way to start your performance. "99 Red Balloons" is your shit, but no one enjoys your smoker's voice amplified to the whole bar. Before you know it, you're singing the chorus on your way out to the street.
6: Yelling at a Bartender: YOU DIDN'T EVEN PUT ANY VODKA IN THIS YOU DUMBASS PIECE OF SHIT! Okay, drunkie, not true. Bartenders don't give a fuck if your drunkass doesn't get anymore liquor because frankly, your 50 cent tips don't mean shit to them.
5: Having Sex in the Bathroom: Getting it on in the bathroom is not only tricky but also scary. STDs are floating in the air (probably) and whoever's on top is getting bruised, sticky knees. If some dumb prude walks in on some naked cock, chances are you'll be taking the banging back to someone's bedroom. But that's probably for the best, seeing as how soap and condoms are around.
4: Getting into a Brawl: Some dumb bitch breathed in the direction of your boyfriend, and now you're pissed. That's right, you better fuck her shit up. Throwing a drink in someone's face is always a good way to start, followed by pulling of hair or punches in the stomach. Sure, you're inevitably going to end up with a black eye and getting tossed out of the bar, but it was so worth it.
3: Using a Fake ID: The most embarrassing way to get kicked out of the bar but, hey, with this silly drinking law that we have it happens to all of us. Asking for a second form of id or a signature or any normal way to prove your identity will kill anyone's buzz. Seeing as you pre-gamed your ass off before you went to the bar anyway, you think flirting with the bouncer or just trying to creep in will work. Either way, it's just not going to happen for you. Save yourself face and when they threaten to call the police, do a polite curtsy and say good-bye to your night out on the town.
2: Smuggling in Your Own Booze: You're just too drunk when you left the house and you're too cheap to begin with, and you have the genius idea of bringing in your own personal water bottle filled with rum. But not only will the servers and bartenders know something is up when all your friends order beer and you slur "I'll just have a coke," they will notice when you start taking pulls from your water bottle at the table. Dude, go to the bathroom to get your drink on!
1: Puking on the Dance Floor: Ohhh yeeaahhh!!! You're the sexiest piece of ass out there, moving to the music, getting all nice and sweaty. And then it hits you; those Baja Chalupas and seven whiskey cokes just aren't settling. Before you can even move away from the center of the crowd, you toss your cookies all over the skank in front of you. As you wipe away the half-digested ground beef from your mouth with the bouncer and your bestie helping you out, your ex-boyfriend is laughing at you from across the bar. OF COURSE.