Top 10: Ways to Get Your Roommates to Be Quiet When You Wanna Sleep


So you have work tomorrow at 5am and your roommates have been partying since 5pm. All you want is just two hours of sleep now that it’s 3am, and you’ve asked nicely a hundred times. Screw it – no more mister nice guy. It’s time to bust out the big guns to get some shuteye.

10. Call the Cops. Now, no one wants to be the guy or gal who gets their roommates tickets, but let’s face it, you asked them really nicely and they’ve been partying for a week straight; you have that test tomorrow that’s worth 99% of your grade and you can’t even remember how to spell your name. It’s time to call in for back up. The smartest way to do this is contact your friend who doesn’t know any of your roommates and have them call in the noise complete. Then delete all traces of such a call and finally get your well-deserved sleep.


9. Switch the Cords of the Stereo System. Before everyone gets back from the bars, sneak back behind your stereo system and switch up the yellow, white, and red plugs so when they try to play music they get nothing but sketchy feedback. They’ll all be too drunk to figure out what you’ve done and probably switch to someone else’s apartment for afterhours.


8. Start a Fight. Nothing makes girls more uncomfortable then a bunch of guys trying to tear each other’s throats out, and there is no party without females around – well, not a good party. Pit two guys against each other and let the rumble begin.  Tell one that the other “thinks he’s a fag” then just sit back and watch the show. 


7. Cry. Trust me, no one is going to want to stick around with a crying chick around. And if you’re a guy, the party will clear faster than you can say, “My dad never hugged me.”


6. Cut the Power. Make it creepy enough and your roommates will hopefully think someone is trying to break into your apartment for a little murder sesh. Everyone will be quiet as possible in order to try and hear whoever it is that’s breaking in. Just make a knocking sound like in The Strangers every once in a while and you should be able to get plenty of rest.


5. Invite the Exes. No one can clear a party like the ex- of the host showing up unexpectedly. Sneak the ex- a text from your friend’s phone saying something along the lines of “Sooo horny!  Misses you!” Your friend will be way too drunk to realize they didn’t send it, and soon after the exes arrival the party will be as dead as their road kill relationship.


4. Convince Them the Apartment Is Haunted. You were visited by a the ghost of a former Illini student last night who killed himself after his roommates wouldn’t stop playing their music too loud, and now he wants to suck the souls out of those who disrespect his eternal slumber! Bwhooooo.

3. Fart. Just head down to the party for a little while and stink up a storm. Fill up on plenty of Taco Bell and let ‘er rip. Drop a couple of SBD’s (Silent But Deadly) and soon enough your whole apartment will be filled with stanky green haze. The best news is you’ll be able to sleep just fine, cause everyone’s immune to his own toots.


2. Have Awkwardly Loud Sex. I’m not talking a few grunts here or there, I’m talking “YOUR COCK IS AS BIG AS MY DAD’S” awkward. Scream and yell things that would make even the raunchiest of porn stars cringe.


1. Bring Home a Pregnancy Test. That is a level of uncomfortable no man can handle, especially if you’ve slept with one of them. Actually, definitely do this if you’ve slept with one of them. Nothing clears a room like an unplanned pregnancy – everyone knows that. 


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