Top 10: Ways to Piss People Off and Make Enemies

 

10.) Change their Facebook status, profile pic, cover photo:

A classic technique used by the ancients. This simple yet effective technique gets under the skin of any and every Facebook invasion victim. It’s the best way to set the tone of the hate/hate relationship you two are about to share together.  

9.) Use their toothbrush to clean between your toes:

And then mention it nonchalantly over light dinner conversation. “The bristles on your toothbrush were perfect for getting toe cheese out of my problem areas.”

8.) Flirt with their mom and then brag about it:

Make sure to brag about it to them one on one and over every social media outlet. Telling them “That’s not what your mom said last night” is the cherry on top of every ooey-gooey “fuck you” sundae.  

7.) Show off your status as an over-privileged, upper middle class American:

By this we mean posting photos on Instagram of all the Apple products your parents just bought you. Maybe add in a complaint or two about how you can’t decide what color cover to put over your iPad. Don’t forget to hashtag #Thestruggleisreal.

6.) Always get their name wrong:

Make sure that the name you call them is close enough to their real one to show that you remember meeting them, but never bothered to actually remember their name. This works best if you call them something that is close to their actual name. So if their name is Justin, always refer to him as Jake, Jack, or Josiah. Bonus points if you’ve known this person for years, and all of a sudden start getting their name wrong.  

5.) Slurp everything you eat:

This technique can be quite tedious since you’re required to slurp absolutely everything. You must have the dedication of Grandma eating spaghetti without her dentures, the poise of a fat kid during snack time, and the desperation of a poor African child let loose in a 7/11.  

4.) Ask for advice about an ex you’re still in love with:

Any big, personal question will do, but going on and on about how much you love some loser they don’t know will make them clench their jaw the tightest — especially if you’re drunkenly hanging on them and crying into their shoulder.

3.) Send pictures of the “Blue Waffle” repeatedly throughout the day:

This will not only automatically make someone think you’re repulsive, but will also emotionally scar them enough to jump at every text alert.

2.) Read their diary while wearing their underwear:

Even add in a personal response to each entry. “LOL you’re such a fucking crybaby. So your brother died when you were 13 GET OVER IT!” 

1.) Play One Direction’s full album on repeat:

Also get cardboard cut outs of each member and bring them with you everywhere you go. Buckle them in when you’re in the car, sit them at the table, and even tuck them in at night. It’ll be you and your cardboard cut outs against the world. 

 

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