Top 10: Worst Cities to Live in America
- Article by Uncle Waz
- March 19, 2013
To all the beautiful people of East Lansing and to those now resembling Snooki, we welcome you back from spring break with open arms. Whether you spent the greater part of the last week sucking on an empty beer bong or doing stage dives off the bar, you likely saw some lovely (and not at all trashy) places in America. Well, here are ten places that, truth be told, are on the other end of that spectrum:
10.) Dallas, TX: You may like drilling for oil day-in and day-out while baking in the 110 degree sun, but if you’re not a fan of that, marrying by age twenty, and hating anyone that doesn’t resemble eggshell white, it’s best to avoid the Dallas Metro Area.
9.) Forks, WA: On top of this droll Seattle suburb being doused in rain or shrouded by clouds for 367 days a year, Forks also houses a certain, sparkly vampire that seems to come out only at Twilight. We’re no longer fifteen-year-old girls—give us our hipster vampires of True Blood, thank you.
8.) Columbus, OH: Though there are certain urban areas that a sport fan may enjoy, Columbus resides in the exact middle of the worst state in America known as Blow-Hio. While literacy rates skyrocket on placement tests when it comes to spelling their state's name, not many bright spots are found in America’s stump. Free tattoos are a plus, though!
7.) Birmingham, AL: “We let holy matrimony run its course, even if it goes through the family tree!” While that may be a green light for Uncle Cletus and his banjo gang, the rest of America has wisely chose to stay put and raise children who aren’t both their son and their nephew.
6.) New Orleans, LA: Though full of festivities one day a year, New Orleans is often subjected to a plethora of issues, ranging from the occasional devastating flood or a non-alcohol-induced blackout during the Super Bowl.
5.) Miami, FL: One would think that Miami is the sparkling haven of America—the true destination of all destinations. However, high crime rates and a proclivity for salsa music makes going anywhere in this city both dangerous and unbearable.
4.) Detroit, MI: While some people may go to Detroit to feel better about their shitty house, we’re not too turned on by crumbling buildings and homeless people taking our money as we approach the gates of Comerica Park.
3.) Oakland, CA: Sometimes a city is judged for not having all of the sparkle and glamour of its sister city. However, when your sister city is San Francisco, and all you have to offer is back alleys, hyphy rap, and whistle tips, we’ll be happy to stay on the other side of the bridge.
2.) Ann Arbor, MI: Housing one of the worst universities and fan bases in America is enough to chase anybody off. But, seriously, when a city doesn’t have a problem with smog, but rather has a problem with smug -- yeah, that’s when you know your town sucks.
1.) Cleveland, OH: Yes, there is in fact a city worse than Ann Arbor. Why, it’s the armpit of America in less-than-scenic Cleveland! Their river caught on fire, their sports teams are famous for losing, and they get all the trash on Lake Erie that washes out of Detroit. Yeah, there’s no silver lining here.