Top 10: Worst Places to Get a Boner

• Article by Mike Rottar
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• May 7, 2012
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10) Going through airport security: An erection in this situation is bad for two reasons. First, you have a boner while an unattractive TSA agent is patting you down inappropriately. If that’s not enough, security might mistake your raging hard-on for a stick of dynamite or loaded gun. Nothing can ruin a vacation faster than being detained because your johnson was mistook for a .38 Smith & Wesson Snubnose. 

9) Spoon-feeding your senile grandmother: Not only will your grandmother know about your boner, but so will the staff of the nursing home where you dumped her. Older, senile people are not known for their discretion, and you can bet your grandmother will be telling everyone about her grandbaby’s big wee-wee at bingo that night.

8) Watching Passion of the Christ with your church group: If you inadvertently pop a boner while one of the many torture scenes is on screen your church group will mistake you for a sadomasochist, and you will have just earned yourself a one-way ticket to Hell (AKA: More church group).

7) Walking through an expensive and cramped glassware boutique: Getting a stiffy at a cramped glassware boutique could lead to an expensive day at the mall. All it takes is one fast turn when your friend calls your name to knock over an entire row of ridiculously overpriced candle holders. 

6) Teaching children to swim: Children plus boners equals jail. Be absolutely certain you don’t make any jokes about holding onto it as a flotation device, or you’ll be in jail before you can say “Chris Hansen.”

5) A location with a sign that specifically states “No Boners Permitted”: We’ve all been chilling at a bar or restaurant and we get a hard-on where there is clearly a “No Boners Permitted” sign posted on the wall. It gets even more embarrassing when the hostess asks you to leave and take your boner outside.

4) When choosing teams for a pick-up game at the ARC: When playing basketball at the ARC you want to be known as the kid with the sick jump shot or the awesome shoes, not the kid with the boner. On the bright side, you’ll be able to drive the lane every time, since no one will want to play defense on ole’ boner boy.

3) When you’re trying to convince someone the two of you are “just friends”: Good luck convincing a girl (or guy, The Black Sheep doesn’t judge) that your relationship is completely platonic when you have a raging hard boner. Something’s got to give in this situation, and it won’t be your poorly-timed tent-pitching.

2) When you’re taking a shit: Honestly, how are you supposed to shit when you have a boner? You’ll end up peeing all over your face. It’s stuff like this that make me mad we’re not funding NASA.

1) At a feminist rally: The situations mentioned above are all embarrassing, but are not threatening to the wellbeing of your penis. Getting a boner at a feminist rally is asking for trouble. It’s like wearing a yarmulke to a Neo-Nazi rally. Your boner is in serious danger of getting ripped off and made an example of. If you do feel the need to attend one of these rallies, don’t’ forget your compression shorts that morning.