Undercover Occupier

Article by Evans Prater
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March 1, 2012
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Friends, the “Occupy” Movement has, regrettably, spread to our neck of the woods. I know, “What the fuck? Why?,” was my response too. Apparently you can be an “underappreciated”, whiny 20-something with an iPhone and a tent in Tallahassee too. So what happens when a tried and true investigative journalist decides to go undercover in the Occupy Tallahassee camp? This.

I first “moved in” in the beginning of February - and was quickly approached by my “fellow” occupiers. The eldest, whom I assumed was the leader, was the first to talk to me:

“Haw ya doin’ der ma fran? Nayme’s Yeller McCusterton, I heah da leada o’ da Okuhpie Talleehashee!” He looked like he hadn’t bathed in three weeks. He had no front teeth, graying, stringy, old people hair, and skin that looked like my redneck uncle’s cowboy boots he wore in the depression.

“Oh, hello, sir. How are you doing today?” I replied.

“I don goud down heah! Yu no, juss a liven owt heah in da natuaral settin’!” Occupy Tallahassee is downtown, in view of the Capitol Building.

“Well, do you mind if I ask you a few questions about the Occupy Tallahassee Movement?”

“Hwhy, o course der buah! Go’on, axe me da queschun!”

“Uhm, well, what exactly are you guys trying to do out here?”

“Hwe trine ta tel da guvnment man dat dey ain gaht NO playse makhin’ us peepul pay al da muny fo al da thang!”

“Right. What kinds of things do you not want to pay for?”

“Ohh, u kno, da cah, da shell fonee, da lectric, alladat!”

“I see. Well how are you going to get all that stuff for free?”

“Wehl, we gon sitch owt heah in da tints til dey guvnmen man say, ‘Yeller, u gots da free tang!”

“Thanks for your time, Yeller.” I said. I couldn’t bear to look at his face anymore, much less listen to his vast lexicon.

So I moved on, and asked Tyler "No Name" Johnson (he insisted that was his real middle name) why he had decided to "occupy".

"I just really like to occupy places, ya know? Like, originally, I was from planet tsaurus-23a, but occupying that dump got boring. So me and my girlfriend here, Elvina, decided to occupy earth for awhile." There was no one standing next to him.

I just stopped there. These people are nuts, I thought. Then I came across a girl who seemed almost too normal:

"Well you know, I just don't like paying rent and stuff. I think it’s stupid to pay for something you're never going to own."

I agreed. "So how long are you going to "occupy" before you move on?" I continued.

"Well, I don't know, a few months I suppose. Hey, wanna see the inside of my tent?"

She was kind of cute, so I agreed. But, of course, she turned out to be like all the others. . "And this is my hair doll of my third boyfriend from junior high. His name was Alonzo. Such a sweetheart. His parental were Cuban and Mongolian, a great mix if you ask me!"

I got out of there as quick as I could while she tried to grab some of my hair, screaming "Wait! Please! Just two or three strands!"

I walked down to the bar in the corner and ordered a double whiskey on the rocks. I couldn't bring myself to go back. 15 minutes of occupying and I was over it.

I guess we learned that occupiers really don't know why they're there themselves. In fact, they really are all just a bunch of crazies living in tents, riding the bandwagon. Oh well, at least I tried.