Westboro Baptist Church Protests Radically Liberal, Questionably Gay Pomeranians Funeral
- Written by Austin Gomez
- May 1, 2013
Still running off of their purity-fueled high from picketing Boston bombing funerals due to God personally bestowing upon the city said bombs because of President Obama’s openness to gay marriage, the Westboro Baptist Church has recently focused their crusading attention on the Jackson family’s Pomeranian who was laid to rest last week after twelve and a half long years of providing the Jacksons with comfort and canine adoration. However, as the Church stated, these were 12 and a half long years of not fluffy teacup cuteness, but hyper-detrimental liberalism, sacrilegious ideals, and rampant homosexuality.
“As soon as our secret suburban correspondents presented us with reports that this demon dog was sniffing the rears of other male dogs while on walks, all of us at the Church knew that this blatant, hyper-homosexualized push for a radical liberal agenda had to be stopped,” sputtered head pastor Fred Phelps. “Our agents also provided me with footage of the bastard creature profusely humping and attempting to fornicate with said male dogs—footage that I have since kept to myself for private reflection so I can remind myself daily of such a heinous crime against humanity."
Outside of the Jackson’s modest two-story house in the backyard where the accusatorially gay Pomeranian was being buried, an entire cluster of protestors forced their numbers onto the family of four in order to overpower them. Armed with picket signs that could stop a bullet in its tracks, protestors boasted messages reading “God HATES Mutts,” “Thank God for Dead PomerGAYnians,” and “All Dogs DON’T Go to Heaven.”
“We really don’t think Beanie meant any harm; he was such a sweetheart,” defended father Roy Jackson. “Sure, he would hop on his little hind legs and rub himself on our legs every once and a while, but that’s because we got him fixed as soon as we got him from the shelter. I always thought it was kind of cute, the little dickens he was. I mean, if he was gay … he sure had us fooled!”
When asked about Beanie’s left-wing political views, Mr. Jackson didn’t seem to understand how to answer the question. “I … I honestly haven’t the faintest idea. We can pull out his records and everything—I don’t think he’d have voting records or anything like that—but aside from telling you that he had his rabies shots and kept up with his stomach worm medication regularly, I suppose you could say that our dog was fairly … moderate?”
Upon hearing this information, the Church’s Shirley Phelps-Roper exclaimed that the announcing of Beanie’s moderate political stance on social issues was “a likely story for a dog that obviously tried to hide his homosexuality from the general public.” In order to prove that the family—who she soon thereafter asserted were all also gay—was clearly attempting to protect whatever little dignity the "whore-of-a-dog" had to his name, Shirley Phelps carried out reconnaissance work outside of the protests by interviewing several other dogs in the neighborhood.
“Obviously, dogs are naturally loyal beings, not to the Lord, of course. But they’ll hide their fellow species from committed murder if need be. Getting answers from these dogs was tough, but all of the information I gathered pretty much proved Beanie’s disgusting and sinful sexual preferences. Tiger, the Yorkshire Terrier from across the street, stretched his arms in signifying ‘yes’ when asked, ‘Has Beanie ever made morally inappropriate sexual advances upon you?’ Furthermore, when Duke, the Beagle from two blocks over, licked his genitals in a ‘Why, yes, absolutely!’ manner when asked, ‘Do you think Beanie’s rambunctiously homoerotic lifestyle was a byproduct of President Obama’s rejection of God and the constitutions of a normal, straight marriage?’”
While Shirley Phelps raced to the nearest Hobby Lobby for supplies in order to protest her new findings, the rest of the protestors began berating the Jacksons with ethnic slurs and threats to take “the holiest of all shits” upon Beanie’s shallow, shoebox grave. When the youngest Jackson daughter, age five, began tearing up, the protestors sympathized, with many admitting that they would also cry upon finding out that their childhood dog was a full-fledged homosexual. At this point, Mr. Jackson called the police where he was greeted with a groaned, “Ugh … not this shit again,” over the phone before the authorities arrived to break up the scene.
With another victory under their belts and another step forward toward absolving Americans' sins one questionably gay liberal at a time, the Westboro Baptist Church plans on protesting the funeral of a heretic parrot whose alleged last words were, “SQWAAAAAAK, PRO-SAME-SEX MARRIAGE.”