What Guys Expect From Porn That Ain’t Gonna Happen

• Article by Maddie Rosenthal
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• April 30, 2012
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Beginning at the tender age of 12, every day from then on, and most recently nine minutes ago, guys have been watching porn. Between the hundreds of free websites and pay-per-view options (but who’s paying for porn anyway), guys never miss an opportunity to utilize the lotion and Kleenex they have bedside. Hell, they don’t even have to be horny. Just being bored qualifies as an excuse. By the time females are willing to put out, they’re virginal innocence doesn’t compare to the every-hole-is-an-entrance-porn their peers are jerking it to. Smart women will tune in and take notes on the smut because for the last 10 years, their boyfriends have grown accustomed to the likes of Jesse Jane and Jenna Haze.

There are a few things that are easy to emulate: moaning three times louder than the pleasure we’re receiving merits, faking entire orgasms (full body shutters included), and those of us who are wifey material allow free reign to where our dude shoots his load. So it’s not like we don’t make an effort. Despite this, there are a few things that we physically can’t (and in some cases simply won’t) do. 

Blowjob Betty may be able to give direct eye contact the entire times she’s sucking you off, but the rest of us can’t. It’s quite literally impossible to blow you, breathe, emphasize how much we enjoy doing it, and stare at you all at the same time, especially if we’re trying to do a good job. And, unless you want a sticky, pink, glittery pecker, we won’t have lip-gloss on while we’re doing it like Jenna Jameson foolishly advocates. We can certainly work hard to make the coveted slurping noises and we can even try and deep throat until we cry, but smiling before, after and during is asking a bit much. We aren’t getting paid for this (hopefully). 

We understand that beyond the age of 17, not swallowing is grounds for break-up, but just because you believe your jizz is the nectar of the gods does not mean that we’re going to gargle it in our mouths like it’s salt water after we lost a tooth. Similarly, our faces (of all places) have been declared the proverbial target for your one-shot musket. We get it, you like feeling dominant. While a lot of girls are absolutely willing to take one for the team and exfoliate while they’re at it, realize that a cum shot to our eye will not be greeted with the same generous reaction as the hookers on your computer screen. It leaves us blind and wanting a towel. 

Porn also gives men the impression that women would enjoy being woken up to a dick in their face. Besides seeing the 5-0 first thing in the a.m., the last thing I want when my tired eyes flutter open for the first time is the head of your penis trying to push through my pursed lips Next, I’d like to make a quick disclaimer. A cock slap to the face is never, ever okay. I don’t care how much Amber Wild enjoys it, women in the real world are more likely to sock you right in the balls after a move like that. Sorry, I’m not sorry. At all.

Women understand that men like few things more than being told how well endowed they are. And with the average size of the American penis being a measly 4.5 inches (yes, erect), we understand that a lot of you need an ego boost. Sure, we’ll pay you and your johnson a quick compliment when you first whip it out if we’re pleasantly surprised, but what we will not do is scream out “Oh my God you’re sooooooooooo huge!!!!” seven times during what you call a “pounding”.

Finally, I want to make one thing abundantly clear: anal sex is not fun. It does not feel good. Guys don’t fear getting raped in the ass in prison for no reason. It hurts like hell. Plus, the pain isn’t just physical, it’s emotional too. Let’s think back to the horror stories we’ve all heard about girls shitting the bed after someone overcompensated on the lube. So when Linda Lovelace takes it like it’s hitting her G-Spot, she’s giving men everywhere false hope. Maybe, just maybe, after six or so attempts the pain will be tolerable, but by that time her asshole will be so loose that retreating back to your girl’s cooch is the better option anyway. 

So fellas, next time you’re screwing a random bitch from the bar, your girlfriend, your slam piece…whatever she is, don’t expect her to behave like a porn star. But drop the girl that doesn’t at least try.