What to Buy Instead of Useless Textbooks

• Article by Michael Cogliano
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• August 12, 2011
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• Michigan

Raise your hand if you’ve been in this scenario: You’re sitting in some bullshit Intro to Environmental Sciences class staring at the textbook you spent $115.00 on that has a thick film of dust spanning the cover for lack of use.  Your professor is rounding off hour one on the phases of the moon and all you can think about is how you want to stab him in the neck with a salad fork because he made you buy this book for absolutely no reason.  It’s time we students put our foot down and found some better, more irresponsible uses for the bundles of cash we usually gift-wrap to the local bookstore.  Here’s a brief but not exhaustive list of ways to redirect this cash.

Pay the frumpy foreign girl in your class to do that work for you: These textbooks cost an awful lot of cash and if you find the girl I’m talking about (there’s one in every single class), that money can go a long way.  Why spend money on the books when you can spend half the money and do none of the work.  Give her a couple bucks and a fake phone number and you’re all set.  You might have to flirt with her a little bit to seal the deal but it’s a small price to pay.

Buy a fog machine:  Have you ever walked into a party and been upset to see a fog machine blowing excitement all over the place?  It’s the breast implants of college parties.  Got a mediocre party that you’re looking to get going? Starts blowing some fog into that bitch and next thing you know, you’ll be stationing a bouncer at your front door.

Start making irrational bets with your friends: I made 8 bucks last week when I fit two jumbo marshmallows into my mouth at the same time without asphyxiating myself.  In the same way that a sporting event gets more exciting if you put some money on it, so does trying to hop the barbed wire fence without using your hands.  Whether you’re eating a piece of pizza with a hair on it (6 dollars) or attempting to pee in an under populated wing of the library (-25 dollars+ court fees), everything’s better with a little cash on it.

Rent a billboard and put a picture of yourself shirtless on it: There’s already plenty of billboards that I pass on a regular basis and have no idea what they’re advertising.  So it’s about time that you took the initiative to put up a billboard that’s actually advertising nothing (Except your recent trips to the gym).  This is an especially high priority if you’ve got the type of body that has no business being blown up that big.

Get yourself a kick ass sled:  Enough with the cafeteria tray, it’s about time you treated yourself to a Clark Griswold circa Christmas Vacation, blazing fast sled.  You’ll thank me when you’re 13 beers deep blasting down the hill towards the interstate at 38 mph.

Find a really embarrassing picture of a roommate and order a Fathead: For those of you unfamiliar with Fatheads, they’re basically 12-foot high action shots of your favorite celebrities or athletes.  However, there is now a feature where, for about 50 bucks, you can send in a photo and they will make it into one of these giant wall decals.  If you find the right picture of your buddy peeing on a taco bell or something, this idea has some serious potential.

Put the money in the bank and start planning for your future: HA, just fucking around.  Get a couple kegs and host a rager during the week before classes start.