What To Do When You Realize You Hate Everyone

 

Face it; you’ve finally hit that point in your life where you hate everyone. The excitement of freshman year wore off a long time ago, and now shit’s getting real. Your first frat party, your first fake ID, your first walk of shame, your first time giving head in Port-a-Potty during spring jam…those are all just memories now. No more “girls night out” with your dorm buddies, no more free T-shirts and rape whistles, nope, it’s over. It’s sophomore year. It’s time to don your Chick-fil-A uniform and get to work cause you’ve got loans to pay off bitch, don’t you dare judge me. 

 

It’s a Saturday night, and sure there are parties going on but honestly, you’d rather just crack open another bottle of SoCo and get ready for another night of lonely drunkenness and masturbation. If you’re lucky, your roommate will still be gone in the morning so you can puke on her side of the room before you leave for work. Fucking Jessica, that skank. 

 

For those of you who may be wondering, “How could someone hate everyone?” here is my response: It happens to all of us at some point at least once, and it will eventually happen to you as well. And when it does, best believe I’ll be sitting here laughing my ass off. 

 

Listed here are the 3 main symptoms of IHE Syndrome. 

 

Every time someone texts you, you are thrown into a fit of manic rage. 

“haayy, havnt seen u in 4evr..wanna get coffee sometime? ” 

 

WHAAAAT THE FUCK? CAN’T YOU TAKE A HINT? I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE YOU. ARE YOU SO IGNORANT THAT YOU HAVE NOT NOTICED ANY OF MY NONVERBAL SIGNALS TRYING DESPERATELY TO EXPLAIN TO YOU THAT I AM ANNOYED SIMPLY BY YOUR PHYSICAL PRESENCE? DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH. AND WHEN YOU BITE YOUR NAILS YOU ACTUALLY SWALLOW THEM, LIKE SERIOUSLY, WHO DOES THAT?

 

But instead you respond with, “That sounds fun, but I’m really busy with everything. I’ll let you know when I’m free.” You delight in the fact that you didn’t add a smiley face because clearly, that means something. 

 

You dip out of parties two minutes after you get there. 

Who cares that there are three full kegs and you just paid $5? The guy at the door was wearing a tie-dyed shirt, everyone is screaming, and no matter where you go you absolutely cannot escape the sounds of Enrique Iglesias. None of this is acceptable by any means. You walk back home by yourself, curl up in bed, and re-read The Perks of Being A Wallflower. 

 

You talk to yourself more then other people.

You might not even realize you do it. Try and catch yourself when you start mumbling disgraceful shit under your breath and you’ll be surprised at the number of times you do it per day. Remember when you thought to yourself, “I hate that beluga whale lookin whore."? Yeah. You said that out loud. 


If you do happen to have IFHE Syndrome, know that you are not alone, and that you have options.

 

Invest in some life-like dolls. 

Dolls are a perfect source of companionship for those with IHE Syndrome. They don’t say annoying shit, they’re good listeners, and you know they won’t backstab you because they’re immobile without you. However, if you do choose this option, try your best to keep it on the DL because if real people find out they will be majorly freaked and probably call the police, who will subsequently have you admitted into a mental asylum. 

 

Make friends with other people who hate everyone.

Birds of the same feather flock together, right? However, there is always the chance that you will hate each other. 

 

Create your own language/writing system.

This way, when you want to cuss someone out or write a bitchy letter, the person won’t even understand it. This will drive people crazy, which will make you insanely happy. 

 

Write songs lyrics for Eminem.

He’s running out of people to attack, so you could give him some new material. 

 

 
 
 
 
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