What You Can Do Without Power
- Article by VT Staff
- July 10, 2012
In light of the recent thunderclusterfuck, it’s become pretty clear that humans have extreme difficulty going about our day-to-day lives without electricity. The New River Valley Verizon tower was down on July 1st, bringing many people’s texting and calling abilities to a screeching halt. People flooded Starbucks franchises, disrupting the musings of dozens of MacBook Pro-toting coffee shop dilettantes. Internet providers could no longer provide Wi-Fi, causing the Angry Birds marathon to come to a screeching halt. It seemed as though the East Coast was quickly swirling into chaos.
Look, most conspiracy theorists and paranoid naturalists will scream at you that global warming is coming, and then proceed to bite out of their ten-dollar all-organic falafel. I’m all for sustainable living and all, but storms like the one that bitchslapped Virginia happen all over the place. We’re not special, and the power can go out from time to time.
So, let’s prepare for that like good former Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts! Here are some fun things you can do the next time you have to slip into barbarianism:
Have a slumber party and build a pillow fort. Watching epic winds and sideways rain is a rare treat. The next time we get a massive severe weather alert, buy a bunch of junk food that will last for a week, invite your bros or your hos, and make an evening out of it, old-school kid style. You can’t watch a fabricated reality, so watch the very real adventure going on outside while eating Pringles, sipping Yuengling, and exclaiming, “Legend…ary!” with your best friends.
Make a new drinking game. Every time there is lightning, take a drink. Advanced level: drink for the duration between lightning and the corresponding thunderclap.
Start an impromptu garage band. A friend of mine started texting me before the Verizon tower went down at 3a.m. (not cool, bro: I have to sleep) informing me of a jam session going on in his garage on Bishop Road. Kudos to him and his toolbox bros for providing entertainment. Perhaps they wrote a 21st-century version of a Native American rain dance, without dubstep, of course.
Write in a diary by candlelight. Embrace your inner Mary Shelley, attempt to write a scary story, and then read it aloud to your drunken friends with a flashlight, a la campfire stories.
Experiment with tantric sex. Banging during a thunderstorm is a unique experience, one everyone should have at least once. Now, however, your power is out. This gives you a fantastic opportunity to really go for that romantic, cinematic experience that you’ve always craved. Find every candle you possess, arrange them as best you can, light them up, and go on a long and euphoric sexual exploration with your partner, or yourself for that matter. What else are you going to do? Whine about how you can’t tweet or stalk Pinterest because you can’t charge any of your batteries?
Sure, you may be sweaty and your iPhone is dead, but it’s not all a loss. Grab a beer, enjoy the heady smells of summer, and revel in this chance to reconnect with nature.