Who Would Have Thought Gaining Employment Would be the Hardest Thing at a Sex Shop?


I had a pretty great job interview the other day except it’s difficult to answer questions like “In an ideal work environment, what qualities would you demand from your boss?” with a six foot tall banner for Joanna Angel’s Cumtastic Cookout hanging over your head. That’s what they don’t tell you when you apply for a job at your trusted local porn shop. There are a lot of articles providing tons of creative ways for college kids to earn a bit of extra cash, but here’s what actually happens when you travel off the beaten path and onto the… well… beating path.


Being a hot tempered, low ambition, fifth year college senior in a small North Florida town, employment is pretty rough to come by. I blame the recession, but realistically it has more to do with the fact that I am barred from being hired in almost every line of work in this city. Waitress? Nope, self-admitted food stealing bitch and serial meal defiler. The mall? Not a chance, I hate crowds, especially when it’s crowds of middle school kids  going to Aeropostale. Menial labor at Kmart or such? Beneath me, I’m pretty you can’t make me do that. So, who else is hiring? Subway needs a sandwich artist but I called them out drunk one time about all their meats being supplemented with turkey (truth). And then there’s your basic premier supply center for all adult entertainment needs - It should be obvious where I was granted an interview.


To start, once you get your application (and you’ll get one, places like this are literally ALWAYS hiring) you are asked to fill it out on the spot. I filled mine out on the front counter, paper majestically illuminated by the florescent display case full of genitalia-shaped drug paraphernalia—an unexpected touch and perfect example of cross market profit capitalization, kudos! Someone here clearly has an MBA..

After I completed my application I was then taken on a tour. During this portion of trying not to look awkward you will be shown such landmarks as:


The anal corner: beads, butt plugs, and videos of boys on boys.

The hardware department: swings etc.

The pocket pussy shelf: although actually called male masturbators and apparently the only little teeney tiny section for single straight men to play with.


And then of course an endless sea of dildos. A dildocean if you will.


Someone will probably ask you questions to gauge whether or not you’d be comfortable talking with old men about things they can stick up their butts. That’s right folks: it’s not all glamour and g-spot stimulation, there’s a whole mess of oldies looking to recapture the warm and loving feeling of youth that nothing but gadgets up their bums can bring. And it gets worse. Remember preview booths? Famous for the notorious Pee-Wee Herman public jack-off debacle, those things are still alive and kickin’ today...and they need to be cleaned. On the bright side, you get to wear a pretty fancy hazmat suit while you’re up to your shins in perv splooge. Plus, you can always just close your eyes and pretend you’re somewhere else (hell that’s what everyone else does when they go in there). Maybe the beach? Except that grainy feeling between your toes isn’t sand. It’s not all bad though; let’s not forget about the solid 20% employee discount. That’s enough to make your girlfriend swoon... or make buying your inflatable girlfriend a little more reasonable (to your budget, not society). 


Lastly came the interview with the general manager of the store. Heart of gold that one. His tombstone probably gets to read “Manager of X-Mart, peddler of vibrators, got all single woman in Tallahassee off,” which isn’t bad for a guy without a college degree. He was young, witty, and didn’t have a single nudey poster hanging in his office. Not even a naked girl mouse pad. Now that’s a man that takes his job seriously. He was also genuinely tolerant of all my unprofessional shit-talking (it was pretty hard to stare at a wall full of penis pumps and not say bukakke at least a few times). He even taught me a few things; for instance bukakke is not an industry-approved term, rather it’s called a group masturbation scene - really takes the zing out of it. 


The interview is mostly your standard “Where do you see yourself in five years?” questions. However, these are broken up with inquiries like “What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you think of porn?”. There are precious few job interviews where you will be asked to identify and explain your fantasy scene-- cherish the moment. 


So go ahead, nail the interview— which, despite your lack of dignity in applying for a job at a sex depot, is still the most respectable thing to be nailed in the whole store. It also helps to have a flexible schedule, be willing to work nights, and have the initiative to do some outside research about proper cock ring instruction. Remember, 2.41 million people are injured because of sex toy misuse each year. 


Lastly, feel free to pray. Porn shops have great health and dental benefits, start at least $9 an hour, and look to promote after 90 days—but the decision is in god’s hands once all is said and done and I doubt he is itching to bless this one without your request. Best of luck you horny bastards!


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