Why We Hate Clemson


You’re not a real University of South Carolina student unless you hate Clemson with every fiber of your being. Really, you should – we’re better than Clemson in every single way. How? Well, let us count the ways.


First, let’s get generic and talk about the rivalry between Clemson and USC, “The Battle of the Palmetto State,” goes all the way back to the 1880s. It began before Clemson even became a real school (is Clemson even a real school now?), a real sexist and racist school mind you, until 1955 it was a military school for white males, no exceptions. So yeah, congrats on that, you white hillbillies. 


And onto sports. Obviously we have a way better football team. You know what weed and Clemson have in common? THEY BOTH GET SMOKED IN BOWLS – AY-OHHHH! While they have a bunch of no-ones, we have whatever’s left of Marcus Lattimore and the glory that is Steve Spurrier, which just means we’re – you guessed it – better than Clemson’s Dabo “The Douche” Swinney. Have you seen the video of his ridiculous rant from last year? Pathetic, Dabo. It just makes everyone hate you even more.


Our colors are also cooler, too. Seriously – Clemson orange and REGALIA? What is regalia anyway? It’s purple, and it’s dumb. The players come out onto the field and no one takes them seriously because they’re wearing PURPLE. Also, they’re the Tigers. Yeah yeah, sure, a tiger may seem more badass than a gamecock. However, that’s inaccurate. Why? How many have a gamecock for a mascot? That’s what we thought. Your argument is invalid. 


Even in other sports we’re just better. Our baseball team is awesome. Clemson doesn’t even have a swimming or men’s dive team anymore, we had to take all their rejects because guess what? They weren’t good enough. Also, they don’t have an equestrian team, they have an equestrian “club.” Come on, Clemson. You’re a farm school but you can’t ride horses? Pathetic. 


Let’s talk about fans, as it was a hot topic this summer. Have you seen the video of the Clemson baseball team attacking USC fans this summer when they lost? Talk about bad sportsmanship. Even their coach got in on the action. According to one fan, the coach came out and started yelling at him, and even attempted to get him thrown out of the game. When that didn’t happen he asked to have more security around him because he “Didn’t feel safe.” Seriously? Is this guy a joke? WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU! 


More on the Clemson fans. Last year at the football game (that we killed them in), there was a fan in our stands wearing all orange being so completely and redneckidly (is that even a word?) obnoxious. Everyone in the student section booed them, screaming “KICK THEM OUT! KICK THEM OUT!” while they flicked all of us off until security had to escort them out. When they wouldn’t leave they were tased. Sucks to be you, Clemson! Hint: It’s not okay for you to be in our student section.


This year, the Clemson v. USC game is taking place at Clemson. While some fans find that frustrating, we should see it as an opportunity to be just as obnoxious as them. How, you may ask? By going out and getting the most cocky outfit you can think of, renting your very own Sir Big Spur and a bull horn, and ride around in a huge tricked out redneck camo truck screaming anything and everything Carolina. Have fun, and let’s kick some Clemson ass.


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