You Might Be Campus Security If…

• Article by Michael Cogliano
• 
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• June 2, 2011
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• Michigan

The school year is coming to a close, and with it so too will the assholes we call campus police, right? Wrong. These fine ladies and gents are working around the clock to make sure we are safe…. or having no fun, one of the two. Armed with a poor man’s police uniform and some cheesy facial hair, these lads are patrolling the campus looking for their next hot lead. Which, in many cases means they are hoping something exciting happens so they have a story to tell later on at the bar. In honor of these uniformed underachievers, I’ve compiled a list of ways that you might be able to tell if you’re, in fact, one of these honorable individuals.

You might be campus security if…

You got shoved in a locker sometime during high school: The process for becoming campus security is pretty simple. You take a ton of shit in high school, get a few atomic wedgies, somebody tells the school you have a tiny dick, and you vow to someday be in a position of power over these people. Police academy requires some early mornings and some physical fitness, so you settle on this gig. You bust a couple stoners lighting a roach and you’ve already started getting your revenge. 

Instead of a gun, you’re equipped with a bag of quarters to call the real police in the event of an emergency: These people have less authority than the hall monitor in 4^th grade. That doesn’t stop them from acting like they can really mess your life up. In reality, their authority extends about as far as whatever’s one step less than a slap on the wrist. 

Your most exciting “case” is a couple of kids sneaking a bottle of vodka into their dorm:  Things really got heated when you kicked in the already cracked door and caught a couple of kids taking shots and listening to R. Kelly. You wanted to “take them downtown and book ‘em” but instead you wrote down their name and ID numbers and told them to have a great night and be safe.

You tried to pull someone over and realized you don’t have lights or a siren:  You might get intimidated when you see “Police” on the side of the car, but once you realize they lack all the other equipment necessary to make a traffic stop, you can either breathe a sigh of relief or laugh. Put a makeshift police sticker on the side of your Ford Focus and you’re now driving a campus security vehicle.

That weed you’re smoking right now was confiscated from a college kid: Who needs a drug dealer when you have a bunch of scared shitless college kids who still think you could actually get them in trouble. Whether you’re “taking it to the lab” or “taking it to the evidence department”, if you’re smoking college weed as a 35 year old, you’re probably a campus security officer.