Your Guide to Hooking Up On Campus
- Written by Gwen
- January 27, 2012
Let’s face it – hooking up at college isn’t as easy as Van Wilder implies it to be. Between in-class Facebook checking, resume-padding club meetings, and let’s not forget tailgating, it’s hard to believe anyone has time for extracurricular activities.
Whether you’ve been pressed for time or simply want to avoid the post-coitus roommate judge fest, we all know you’ve considered an on-campus romp. If you’ve followed TBS’s advice and are hooking up with a TA, you can take advantage of the three square inches of pure cubicle love nest in his or her office. The rest of us must work a little harder. Here are some guidelines for those who want to cum laude on campus.
Easy Access: Those sexy leggings and ankle boots are a struggle to pull on at the best of times, never mind hastily tugging them onto sweaty skin after playing show and tail. Worst-case scenario, you’ll sprain an ankle. Best-case scenario, you look like the worst Elvis impersonator ever. Ladies, ditch the skinny jeans and don those mini skirts. Men, may we suggest a kilt worn in true Scottish fashion?
Blend In: Take advantage of a crowd. At midnight on a Friday, RAs, TAs, and the PD will be expecting co-ed rendezvous. Unlike your roommate, authority figures have no respect for the tie-embellished door handle. Your prime time for grind time is during a big event or normal class hours. Everyone will be focused on his or her own plans. Finding the source of the strange squeaking in the custodial closet in a crowd will be like playing x-rated “Where’s Waldo.”
Use Protection: You know, like a lookout. Those ten seconds your best friend spends making warning owl hoots could mean the difference between a quickie and a felony.
Never Do It In a Bathroom: Though the locked door may lure you into thinking that it’s the best place for the no-pants square dance, the bathroom should be avoided at all costs. Let’s look beyond the ‘ick’ factor. There are over 30,000 students at Virginia Tech and several thousand faculty and staff. According to a superficial Google search, the average person goes to the bathroom seven times a day. Do the math before you do each other.
Have a Story: If you’re caught, have a prepared story ready. Yes, if it weren’t for his quick execution of the Heimlich Maneuver in the tunnel under Burruss, you may have died. He should get a bravery medal for his lifesaving actions and his manly use of the kilt. If you aren’t the greatest actor, try bribing that peeping Tom with some dining dollars. It’s hard to tattle with a mouth full of West End’s finest lobster.
Be Sober: Once you’ve had ten slippery nipples, keep yours dry until you get home. If you’ve ever woken up naked in a fireplace with a broken martini glass duct taped to your forearm, you know how alcohol affects your usually flawless judgment. Pressing the emergency button then trying to finish before the cops show seems like a great idea after hotbox power hour. There is a time and place for inebriated shagging and it’s in your roommate’s bed. That’ll teach him not to stash your dishes in his dirty laundry.
Now that you know the rules, go for that mid-week walk of shame. After all, you’re only young once.