Stories By Stuart Sizzurp
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Illinois
6 Old Flames You’ve Probably Already DM’ed on Summer Break
Welp, you’re stranded in Naperville for the summer without an internship or any top-house FWBs, but...
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Illinois
PCP: Does Living in C-U Over Summer Actually Suck That Bad?
Champaign-Urbana is a quaint metropolitan area for undergrads escaping a mediocre home life. The question is,...
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Illinois
The 5 Debilitating Stages of Internalizing Your Impending Unemployment
You were feelin’ yourself in that yung second semester senior slump until you realized with graduation...
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Illinois
T-Pain Performing At Spring Jam Successfully Prevents Parkland Students From Sneaking In
Each year at Spring Jam, filthy Parkland kids attempt to sneak into the live performance of...
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Illinois
UIUC Sorority Girl On The Lam From FBI Changes Last Name To Middle Name On Facebook To Avoid Capture
The FBI and Champaign County Police Department were quickly notified after word broke that UIUC top-house...
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Illinois
6 Ways To Make Your Little’s Birthday Bar Crawl All About Yourself
How dare your sorority sisters plan an entire birthday bar crawl for your little? It doesn’t...
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Illinois
QUIZ: Which Gloomy Photo of the Armory Are You Based On Your Traumatic Childhood?
You wondered why your drunk dick appointment’s most recent Instagram post was captioned “just out here...
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Illinois
Snyder Freshman Buying Armfull of Soft Drinks At 57 Definitely Not Drinking Tonight
No one suspected anything when Snyder Hall resident Andrew Skimmer made a freezing cold commute to...
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Illinois
IConnect Exposed!: Tour Guides Push PC Agenda Onto Impressionable College Students
Freshman year seminars benefit no one, and IConnect, which “promotes diversity and inclusion,” is the greatest...
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Illinois
A Deep Psychoanalysis of the Only 5 Songs You Hear in the Ike Dining Hall
One thing’s for certain: the Ike Dining Hall is the place to lament new, groundbreaking tracks...