Stuart Sizzurp

Illinois

6 Old Flames You’ve Probably Already DM’ed on Summer Break

Welp, you’re stranded in Naperville for the summer without an internship or any top-house FWBs, but...

Illinois

PCP: Does Living in C-U Over Summer Actually Suck That Bad?

Champaign-Urbana is a quaint metropolitan area for undergrads escaping a mediocre home life. The question is,...

Illinois

The 5 Debilitating Stages of Internalizing Your Impending Unemployment

You were feelin’ yourself in that yung second semester senior slump until you realized with graduation...

Illinois

T-Pain Performing At Spring Jam Successfully Prevents Parkland Students From Sneaking In

Each year at Spring Jam, filthy Parkland kids attempt to sneak into the live performance of...

Illinois

UIUC Sorority Girl On The Lam From FBI Changes Last Name To Middle Name On Facebook To Avoid Capture

The FBI and Champaign County Police Department were quickly notified after word broke that UIUC top-house...

Illinois

6 Ways To Make Your Little’s Birthday Bar Crawl All About Yourself

How dare your sorority sisters plan an entire birthday bar crawl for your little? It doesn’t...

Illinois

QUIZ: Which Gloomy Photo of the Armory Are You Based On Your Traumatic Childhood?

You wondered why your drunk dick appointment’s most recent Instagram post was captioned “just out here...

Illinois

Snyder Freshman Buying Armfull of Soft Drinks At 57 Definitely Not Drinking Tonight

No one suspected anything when Snyder Hall resident Andrew Skimmer made a freezing cold commute to...

Illinois

IConnect Exposed!: Tour Guides Push PC Agenda Onto Impressionable College Students

Freshman year seminars benefit no one, and IConnect, which “promotes diversity and inclusion,” is the greatest...

Illinois

A Deep Psychoanalysis of the Only 5 Songs You Hear in the Ike Dining Hall

One thing’s for certain: the Ike Dining Hall is the place to lament new, groundbreaking tracks...