Sara Donic

Sara Donic

Staff Writer

University of Illinois
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Illini Graphic Design Major Fails Finals, Drops Out to Pursue Freelance Meme Career

After bombing every one of her finals this semester, junior graphic design major Alyssa York has realized her true calling: a freelance Internet meme creator. In the past week, she has dropped out of UIUC and is currently working on cultivating her meme brand.“People always used to joke that being a graphic design major is […]

Supreme Court Bans 8 a.m. Finals in Foellinger, Deems Them “Cruel and Unusual Punishment”

To the joy of many Illini, the Supreme Court has ruled that 8 a.m. finals in Foellinger are banned from campus forever. The ruling came in response to a complaint filed by business major Sean Sierra, who had been plagued with three 8 a.m. finals this semester, all to be held in Foellinger Auditorium.“My professors […]

UIUC Academic Starter Packs

Just like your high school had scene kids and jocks, each college at UIUC has its own student archetype. Maybe you didn’t get into your college of choice on the first shot, but with these starter packs, you can fake it.College of LAS:   College of Engineering:   College of Business:     College of […]

Finals Week As Illustrated By 6 UIUC STEM Diagrams

Usually, diagrams in U of I’s STEM classes illustrate various concepts or problem setups, but sometimes they portray the pain of finals week all too well. Whether you’re in the College of Engineering or LAS, the anguish of cramming for six finals is universal. Here are 6 STEM diagrams that perfectly illustrate the pain of […]

Blooming Chambana Trees Perfect Backdrop for Sorority Girl’s New Profile Picture

Spring has sprung, and the new blooms on the plants around campus have encouraged multiple basic bitches to gather their cameras and glitter for new photo ops. Marissa Garter, member of Theta Alpha, has begun the daunting task of updating her Facebook profile picture.“It seems like the weather took forever to finally change,” Garter complained. […]

CUMTD To Offer Shuttle Service To and From Tinder Booty Calls

In an effort to increase safety and reduce the amount of 5 a.m. walks of shame down Green Street, CUMTD has announced that they will now offer a shuttle service for Illini en route to a disappointing one-night stand.“On early runs, I always see girls trying to discreetly scuttle back home with last night’s stilettos […]

CS Major Reprograms Sex Doll, Transforms Her Into Perfect Formal Date

In his fruitless search to find a spring formal date on the CS 225 Piazza, Jared Marsh, a junior in computer science, has decided to focus his efforts on what can only be described as Extreme Makeover: Sexbot Edition.“I tried everything—I sent a few girls in my classes some sex memes and offered to help […]

Remix of Campus Tornado Sirens Becomes New Overplayed Song at Red Lion

In addition to their usual lineup of ill-fitting trap remixes and some random frat guy’s favorite Lil’ Yachty songs, Red Lion has decided to start rolling out EDM remixes of the tornado sirens that blare through campus on the first Tuesday of every month.“This new hit is perfect for awkwardly dry humping a soft 5 […]

7 U of I Activities Not To Put On Your Resume For Summer Internships

As the spring semester comes to a close, UIUC students are desperately searching for ways to soften the disappointment this semester’s grades are sure to bring. To restore some of your parents’ faith in you and score a decent summer internship, be sure to avoid listing the following activities on your resume.7.) Honorary Silver Bullet […]

Breaking: Moms Weekend Sidewalk Puke Consists Only of Merlot and Lipstick

Sidewalk puke is a staple of every Illini’s daily journey to classes. Although Green Street drunk food is usually the culprit, Moms Weekend has brought a bit more variety to the UIUC sidewalk art: Merlot and lipstick.   “I just couldn’t turn down that fifth glass,” confesses Debby Henry, a self-proclaimed Moms Weekend sidewalk-puker and […]