Sara Donic

Sara Donic

Staff Writer

University of Illinois
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CS Major Reprograms Sex Doll, Transforms Her Into Perfect Formal Date

In his fruitless search to find a spring formal date on the CS 225 Piazza, Jared Marsh, a junior in computer science, has decided to focus his efforts on what can only be described as Extreme Makeover: Sexbot Edition.“I tried everything—I sent a few girls in my classes some sex memes and offered to help […]

Remix of Campus Tornado Sirens Becomes New Overplayed Song at Red Lion

In addition to their usual lineup of ill-fitting trap remixes and some random frat guy’s favorite Lil’ Yachty songs, Red Lion has decided to start rolling out EDM remixes of the tornado sirens that blare through campus on the first Tuesday of every month.“This new hit is perfect for awkwardly dry humping a soft 5 […]

7 U of I Activities Not To Put On Your Resume For Summer Internships

As the spring semester comes to a close, UIUC students are desperately searching for ways to soften the disappointment this semester’s grades are sure to bring. To restore some of your parents’ faith in you and score a decent summer internship, be sure to avoid listing the following activities on your resume.7.) Honorary Silver Bullet […]

Breaking: Moms Weekend Sidewalk Puke Consists Only of Merlot and Lipstick

Sidewalk puke is a staple of every Illini’s daily journey to classes. Although Green Street drunk food is usually the culprit, Moms Weekend has brought a bit more variety to the UIUC sidewalk art: Merlot and lipstick.   “I just couldn’t turn down that fifth glass,” confesses Debby Henry, a self-proclaimed Moms Weekend sidewalk-puker and […]

7 Furries to Replace Chief Illiniwek

It’s been 10 years since Chief Illiniwek was retired in 2007, and many Illini think the university is well past due for a new mascot. To rekindle the conversation about potential new mascots, here are seven famous furries that would undoubtedly “do” UIUC proud.7.) Tony the Tiger: As the OG athletic furry that has inspired […]

7 Cravings Menu Items as Various Sex Acts

It’s well known among Illini that ordering a meal at Cravings is basically booking a three-hour timeslot with doctor diarrhea later that night, but some of the menu names are deceivingly sexy. Capture the heart of any Cravings customer with these seven spicy suggestions.7.) Mixed Vegetable: Vegetables come in a variety of shapes and sizes, […]

Top Illinois Sorority Sues Girl Scout Over Misleading “Thin Mints”

UIUC’s top house, Kappa Alpha Alpha, recently nicknamed “Kappa Alpha Thin Mints” and “Kappa Alpha THICC” by the UIUC student body, has elected to file a law suit against 7-year-old Gracie Garnett, who they claim scammed them into buying high-calorie cookies.“That brat totally lied to us! She lured us in with her sweet little smile […]

The 7 Sexiest Statues at UIUC

Once you’ve spent a few semesters as an Illini, chances are you’ll be able to name off at least a few of the many statues on campus. Make no mistake, though – some statues are far sexier than others.   7.) ECE Dicks: When you think “ECE Dicks,” the kid in your CS 101 class […]

Drinking Game: Four-Loco

Fleeting sense of sanity? Check. Notoriously shitty booze? Check. You’re all set to play Four Loco, a drinking game designed for those who want to hang out right on the precipice of a six–day hangover. Not to mention the horrific fruity-smelling puke that’s sure to follow.What You’ll Need: As much Four Loko* you can buy […]

Student Gets Business Minor After Successfully Talking His Way Out of Cover at KAM’s

This week, psych major, and now business minor, Jonathan Fox managed to weasel his way out of paying cover at KAM’s.“It’s just a matter of connecting with the bouncer, you know?” explained Fox when asked how he accomplished his impressive feat. “You have to show them that you understand them and their duty on a […]