Andrew Malone

Andrew Malone

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Drinking Game: Lonely Irish Poker

Do you love games, but hate socializing? Do you enjoy or romanticize drinking in solitude? Are all of your friends a part of the Temperance movement? Do you have no friends? If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, we have the perfect drinking game for you!What You’ll Need: A case of […]

7 Things Illini Can Do To Get Sent Back To School

As we drift through the doldrums of summer, many of us wonder why we were so excited to come home in the first place. Returning to Champaign is the obvious solution to suburban boredom, so here are a few ways to make your parents send you packing.7.) Keep a Bottle of Vodka in Plain Sight […]

Drinking Game: The High School Party Role Playing Game

Summer is here, which means college students will be spending a lot more time around our parents than we’re used to. Catching up is great, and so is home cooking—but there comes a point when being at home begins to impede on our ability to indulge our alcohol habits. Those living under parents’ watchful eyes, […]

Illini Student Falls Into Panic When ISU Friend Replies “Yes” to Greek Reunion Event

Greek Reunion, a campus event in which fraternity and sorority members return to campus for a weekend and gets piss drunk, is just around the corner. Last week, Sigma Tau ’16 David Walsh was “super stoked” for the weekend—as he had been for the previous three years.  “It’s my fourth—and final Greek Reunion as an […]

Drinking Game: Shot Roulette

Have you always found the concept of Russian roulette exhilarating, but don’t want to lay life and limb on the line to enjoy the game? If so, we have devised a variant of the high-stakes game that is sure to get the adrenaline pumping. Fear not, the only danger here is the over-consumption of alcohol.What […]

McKinley Health Center Alarmed by Meme Addiction Epidemic

Over the past few months, a new addiction has gripped campus, plunging countless Illini into the depths of sleeplessness and destructivity: meme addiction. The McKinley Health Center staff has finally taken notice. “Meme addiction is particularly harmful because of its accessibility,” explained Larry Bloom, head researcher of the McKinley Meme Division. “Any student with an […]

Drinking Game: Slap Shots

Nothing goes together quite like drinking and physical violence. This simple drinking game combines these two grand American pastimes in an elegant fashion. Don’t let the simple rules fool you, this is one of the most intense drinking games out there. Just be sure to play it with close friends, because if you’re the odd […]

6 Non-Academic Reasons You Won’t Graduate from Illinois

Every year, hundreds of seniors at UIUC fail their classes in spectacular fashion and are unable to graduate. Often, failures are due to a lack of effort in the classroom—but not these. Here are some non-academic reasons that some of our beloved seniors will not be crossing the stage to “Pomp and Circumstance” this spring. […]

UIUC Dance Major Can’t Believe He’s Delivering Pizzas While His Friends Have Summer Internships

As a member of Flowing Waters, UIUC’s co-ed interpretive dance troupe, junior Jeremy Jackson lives and breathes dance. When he’s not performing in front of a cultured, smelly crowd at the Krannert Center, he can be spotted slaving away in a remote corner of the ARC for the sake of art. Dance majors and Urbana […]

Drinking Game: Clichés

People-watching is a timeless pastime that’s been practiced for years. It’s amazing how amusing it can be to sit outside and watch handfuls of the college campus stroll by, entirely consumed by their own business. Sometimes, you’ll see something so outrageously stereotypical that you must turn to a friend and wonder aloud, “Seriously?” This week, […]