Austen Fisher

Austen Fisher

Staff Writer

University of Minnesota
What will be different at UMN in 2017?: Find Out What Goldy the Gopher, President Kaler, and A Generic UMN Freshman Have to Say!

“I hope that the enslavement of genetically engineered giant gophers for the sick use of cheerleading will finally come to an end. Do you know how many of us we’ve lost to the whole ‘spin your head’ thing? A few years ago, my brother collapsed from fatigue after doing too many push-ups. Thank god the […]

The Day I Met President Kaler

The day I met president Kaler I woke up late for class. I got into my car and drove really fast.

Get Back To Studying, You’re Too Busy to Read This

Congratulations, you rebel. You clicked on something that told you that you were too busy. Way to go. No telling you what to do. Now get back to doing literally anything else. This article is a giant waste of your time and you are definitely too busy to read it.It’s not like you have twenty […]

New MSA Intern is Definitely NOT Donald Trump

The 2016 U.S. presidential election has ended and everyone is done talking about it.

Top 10 Reasons You Should’ve Gone to Community College

From free, used needles in the bathrooms, to a hilarious student government, here are the top 10 reasons to quit real school.

A Paragraph By Paragraph Guide To Bullshitting Any Paper As A UMN Student

Below, we have provided you with the perfect last-minute Bullshit Paper Outline. Enjoy the C+, you crazy procrastinators!

Top 10 Fights You’re Gonna Have with Your Parents this Thanksgiving

From disgruntled fathers voicing their opinions to your relationship status, here are 10 fights you’re gonna have with your parents this Thanksgiving.10.) Your Style: As soon as you step foot on your front stoop, your mother will burst into tears, exclaiming that you “look like a male prostitute.” After arguing about appropriate fashion in the […]

Top 10 Cancelled Netflix Shows

With so many new shows appearing on Netflix lately, it’s time to pay our respects to the shows that simply didn’t make it on to your queue.

Top 10 Weirdest One Stop Phone Calls

From fraternity brothers making drunk booty calls at two p.m. to a Freshman asking One Stop to knock some goddamn sense into his dorm roommate.

10 Unwritten Rules of Crossing the Washington Ave Bridge

Whether you live in the drunken hub of East Bank or the needlessly critical West Bank, there is one thing that unites us all: The Washington Ave Bridge.