Brendan Bonham

Brendan Bonham

National Writer

University of Illinois
BREAKING: Somehow This Stupid F***ing Trump Press Conference Is Still Going On

In a staggering display of evidence that there is no god, the Donald Trump press conference, which began on February 16th, 2017, is still somehow going on. “Now tacos,” a visibly exhausted Donald Trump noted to an empty room, “pretty good! But those disgusting Mexicans, gotta get rid of ‘em! Good ole USDA beef, some […]

Freshman Files Class Action Lawsuit Against Valley Dining Hall for Making Her Gain Weight

Many freshmen living in the Valleys feel they’ve been tricked by the sneaky Valley Dining Hall into gaining the dreaded freshman fifteen. Instead of lacing up some sneakers and taking a run up one of the many enormous hills of Western’s campus to combat weight gain, one student came up with a better idea: a […]

Pathetic Singles Skitter Out of Dank Cave to Hoard Half-Priced Candy

Following a night of presents and passion for millions of couples across the United States, depressed and pathetic singles everywhere are braving the light of day to stuff their sallow faces and distended stomachs with recently-marked down Valentine’s Day Candy. “I’ve got my swattin’ broom handy,” Kathy Longfellow, a manager at a Chicago-area CVS, noted, […]

4 Ways Boilermakers Can Get Out of a Really Shitty Date on Valentine’s Day

No one expects their Valentine’s Day date to go south until it does. If you’re stuck at The Union’s Sagamore Room or a sketchy off-campus apartment with nothing but a crappy date and your quickly-deteriorating pride, here are 4 ways you can scoot out when the goin’ gets tough. 4.) Princess Sophia? Krull the Warrior […]

Top 10: Reasons You Should Go Out With Me

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and I don’t want to be alone. Won’t you come on a date with me? I can tell you’re apprehensive, let me tell you why you should say yes.10.) We Talked After Class That One Time, Remember?: Hey, I thought we really hit it off. I said you […]

Bartender of the Week: Jake’s Roadhouse’s Alana

Name: Alana Echols Bar: Jake’s Roadhouse Relationship Status: Taken Favorite Drink: Water, Vodka, Lime or Moscato Favorite Shot: Gummy Bear Disgusting Drink: Cement Mixer or Four HorsemenWhere’s the best place for a sneaky makeout sesh in Jake’s?: The back alley!What’s the fanciest booze you got in Jake’s, if we wanted to impress a date?: Johnny […]

Quiz: Are You Qualified to be the Education Secretary?

Today, amongst much protest, Betsy DaVos was appointed Education Secretary. But, can you do better Time to put up or shut up by taking this quiz.

Top 10 Ways to Kill Time If You’ve Dropped Out But Still Live On Campus

As your parents scoot away in the minivan, you realize now you have a LOT of time to kill now that you're, uh, no longer "enrolled" in "school."

6 Pieces of Advice for Spring Semester from a Bronco 5th Year

When you’re at Western, you think you know the game until the real world clotheslines you into a shit-storm of reality. One day you’re enjoying your carefree play and the next day you wake up chained to a toilet while a little clown man in a tricycle is asking you to “play a game” in […]