David Melie

David Melie

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“Graduation Discriminates Against Undergrads,” Says UIUC Student Group

Following years of job discrimination, the UIUC undergraduate student group “Allegiant Nondiscriminatory Undergraduate Students 1867”

UIUC Men’s Basketball Seeks Trouble-Free Summer, Plans to Stare at Blank Wall

After a tumultuous 2015-2016 academic year that featured multiple player arrests, the U of I Men’s Basketball team is looking to stay out of trouble this summer by staring at a wall.“Well, to be honest we haven’t decided where the wall is going to be yet,” Coach John Groce was quoted as saying when asked […]

How to get Your Drunk Friend Out of UGL

To cope with finals week, some classmates may turn to Xanax, alcohol, or really any other illicit substance for all their coping needs. For students in crunch mode (especially seniors), partying and studying need to go hand in hand. But when there’s thirty minutes before that ECON final and your bro is passed out in […]

Jon Snow Not Dead, Working the Night Watch for UIUC Police

Contrary to popular belief, Jon Snow, the justice-seeking former Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, did not die following the mutiny of his fellow brothers-in-arms, and instead now works the night watch security shift around campus at UIUC.“Yes, well, after all those years atop that Wall, I decided I needed a change,” Snow said Wednesday […]

UIUC Engineering Department Develops Nobel Prize Winning, Nobel Prize Medal-Making Robot

Adding yet another award to its long list of accolades, the UIUC Engineering Department won the Nobel Prize in Hubris this past weekend, for developing a self-contained automaton whose only function is the design and manufacture of Nobel Prize medals.P.J. Southanthamanus, world renowned robotics professor and consummate endorser of federal grant money, led a team […]

Recipe For Disaster: Eggs on Eggs on Eggs Sandwich

What are you? Chicken!? No? Sorry about that. We’re just so excited about this week’s Recipe for Disaster that we ungulates are happy to send our avian foes to their luxurious 1×1 foot living quarters with a delicious egg dish meant to quell any appetite. It may be high in cholesterol, but it’s from us […]

Booze Review: Corona

Looks like: when a tourist pisses in a bottle before passing out on the glorious white sands of Cabo San Lucas.

Booze Review: Dr. McGillicuddy’s Mentholmint

The Black Sheep are proud to present a liqueur that would have even your most drunken uncle worried about your future.

Top 10 Ways to Make Spring Break at Home Feel like UIUC

“WOO! SPRING BREAK!” It’s words like these that a loser like you won’t be hearing this March because Spring Break will be in Mattoon, not Miami.