Henry Gray

Henry Gray

UMN Class of 2017 Graduates Suddenly and Without Warning at Age 4

The Class of 2017 has passed from this mortal coil, graduating at approximately 4:00 p.m. on Sunday, May 14th.   How the class came to graduate is uncertain, as most of the students were reportedly suffering from acute senioritis. They were projected to fail all their classes, keeping them trapped here for at least another semester […]

President Kaler Apparently Waited for Class of 2017 to Leave Before Allowing Fall Break

After years of pleading from students for an actual break in the fall term, rather than the shitty four days for Thanksgiving right before finals, the university is finally making it a reality. UMN students will now have the entire month of November free of classes.   “I can’t tell you how many letters I’ve gotten […]

Quiz: Which UMN College Do You REALLY Belong In?

That Strengths Finder test has its merits, but our Personality Quiz will finally help you find out if you’re in the UMN College that you belong in.

New Higher Education Funding Bills Not Nearly Enough To Fund Kaler’s Weed Business

While now explicitly stated in state funding bills, University officials have confirmed that Kaler appropriates money to run his drug dealing side-business.

No, UMN, A$AP Ferg and A$AP Rocky are Two Different Things. Goddammit.

Goddamn, Spring Jam. You fucked it up again. We all know that Spring Jam isn’t really that jamming. It’s an excuse to get drunk outside in the sun after a long, long winter of claustrophobic indoor drinking. The music is incidental; when you’re wandering around Lot 37 fully blacked out, who cares if you’re listening […]

Bleak Haikus By and For Each UMN College

Behold, the University of Minnesota’s greatest poets!

UMN Ranks Third Nationwide for People Who Just Want to Get the Fuck Out of Here

The University of Minnesota has the third highest number of graduates who will soon get the fuck out of this country by volunteering for the Peace Corps.

What Your Brain Looks Like Based on Which UMN College You’re In

Thanks to cutting edge research at the University of Minnesota, your brain can be scanned to tell you- and everyone else- exactly who you really are!

Carlson Student Looking Forward to “Great Cultural Experience” in Cancun for Spring Break

Citing an appreciation for the culture and “the best Mexican food outside Chipotle,” Carlson sophomore Brent Reynolds eagerly discussed the details of his upcoming spring break trip to Cancun.“People think that it’s just a big party city where college students go to get lit and laid on the beach, you know? But really there’s a […]

New UMN Med School Program Gives Freshmen Fast Track to 6 Figures of Student Debt

The UMN Medical School will select 10 incoming freshmen who will be guaranteed both admission to the Medical School and lots of debt.