Joe Morris

Joe Morris

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8 Things That Will Happen Before Dunkin’ Donuts Actually Opens

Ever since you first came to the summer orientation before your freshman year, it’s been there, taunting you with its existence. Now, years later, it’s still there, almost untouched from when you first laid eyes on UT’s biggest tease: that Dunkin’ Donuts on Guad. It’s been under construction for years now, and there are no […]

Following Postseason Elimination, UT Student Body Goes Back to Not Caring About Baseball Team

AUSTIN– As Bret Boswell’s groundball was thrown to first base for the final out of the Longhorns’ season, Texas fans across the state immediately regained that all-too-familiar sense of complete apathy for the baseball team.“Well, looks like I’m spending another painful offseason reflecting on this heartbreaking loss,” announced sophomore pre-law student and college baseball superfan […]

Your GrandMarc Roommate’s Dog Pissed All Over Entryway

WEST CAMPUS, AUSTIN- Peering out of his room at the glistening yellow fluid beginning to fill the entryway, sources believe your roommate saw his dog pissing everywhere earlier today and decided to do nothing about it.“This is something that doesn’t concern me in the slightest,” your roommate, who we can call Ezequiel, thought to himself […]

Fenves Enjoying Vacation by Thinking of All the Ways Tuition to Be Increased

SANASANA, FIJI- While relaxing in the shade of a palm tree just off the edge of Natadola Beach, University of Texas at Austin President Gregory Fenves reportedly spent hours on end deliberating through the many ways the university’s tuition should be increased.“Hm…should I upgrade buildings that need repair, like Parlin or Waggener? No, that won’t […]

6 Reasons Austin is Better Than Whatever Home You Have

For most Longhorns, this week marks the return to home, AKA that place you largely ignored for the previous nine months. Now that you’ve returned, it can be weird readjusting to life with your parents. Coming home might seem cool at first, like reuniting with your dog and finding a pantry full of food. However, […]

UT Student Misunderstands Ritual, Accidentally Sacrifices Beloved Albino Squirrel

AUSTIN- UT’s beloved albino squirrel tragically passed away Sunday after ill-informed freshman Donny Yelkovich sacrificed the beloved beast in an attempt to save his floundering collegiate GPA.“Oh my God, what have I done?” cried the idiotic, inexperienced government major in between bites of what he described as ‘squirrel jerky.’ “How was I supposed to know […]

5 Places Around UT That Won’t Pay More Than $10 For Your Used Textbook

Four months ago, you spent hundreds of dollars to maybe skim half a chapter of an Intro to Texas Government textbook, and now you have no idea what to do with it now that classes are over. Rest assured, reselling your book to various outlets remains a viable option. However, you might not like what […]

10 Things Longhorns Can Do Instead of Studying for Finals

That delightful time of the semester is nearly upon us once again: finals week. The last-minute effort to boost that D- to a C evolves into all-night study sessions and a level of stress equivalent to whatever that guy in 127 Hours had to go through. While the stress can be overwhelming, it’s perfectly fine […]

Lenient Texas Professor Only Giving Three More Exams Before Finals Week

AUSTIN- Students of Dr. Gary Swagnar’s ECO 307K course were relieved, after reexamining the course syllabus, to find that only three more exams were scheduled for the remaining two weeks of class.“I know the rigors these young folks have to go through, so I do the best I can to cut them some slack where […]

UT to Increase Speedway Construction for Sole Purpose of Inconveniencing Everyone

AUSTIN– In his biweekly letter to the student body, President Greg Fenves announced Monday an increase in the construction project along Speedway in a sincere effort to “exacerbate the inconvenience this venture has caused to each and every member of the UT community.”“The administration empathizes with the pains you have to go through as this […]