Joe Morris

Joe Morris

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8 Better Uses of Longhorn Money Than the Millions Spent on a Damn Locker Room

Last week, Texas coach Tom Herman unveiled the football team’s new upgraded locker room to much fanfare and hype. At a cost of about $8,700 each, every locker comes complete with 43” flat screen monitors and loads of new equipment. Obviously, the university faces much more daunting problems than those poor wittle football players having […]

Austin Taco Bell Cantina Introduces New Everclear Empanadas

AUSTIN– During a press conference today, Yum! Brands introduced its new Everclear Empanadas to be sold in Austin’s Taco Bell Cantina location, immediately sending its stock soaring 420%.In Austin, the news was met with thunderous applause and much rejoicing, especially for UT junior finance major and Mexican culture aficionado Ethan McHernandez.“I’ve always thought of Taco […]

7 Unproven Ways to Make Moov-In Day Less Stressful

As all returning students know, UT’s dorm “Moov-In” can be one of the worst experiences ever. With the long sign-in lines, nonexistent parking spaces, and having to awkwardly meet your new roommate, it’s an experience nobody is keen to relive. However, most freshmen and transfer students have no idea what they’re about to get into, […]

McDonald’s on Guad and MLK Closes Down, Along With Any Hopes of Enjoying Semester

AUSTIN: To the great dismay of an entire campus, the beloved McDonald’s franchise located on the Drag and MLK Blvd closed its doors for the final time last week, serving as an imposing omen of the agony to commence this semester. “Multiple cherished dining establishments have closed their doors over the past year, but this […]

6 Ways to Mess With UT Orientation Students

Throughout the summer, wave after innumerable wave of incoming freshmen bombard campus, disrupting the normal flow of traffic and taking all the tables at whatever place you’re getting food. It’s time to take back campus from these hordes of eighteen-year-olds, and luckily The Black Sheep has you covered with plenty of ways to reclaim campus […]

8 Things That Will Happen Before Dunkin’ Donuts Actually Opens

Ever since you first came to the summer orientation before your freshman year, it’s been there, taunting you with its existence. Now, years later, it’s still there, almost untouched from when you first laid eyes on UT’s biggest tease: that Dunkin’ Donuts on Guad. It’s been under construction for years now, and there are no […]

Following Postseason Elimination, UT Student Body Goes Back to Not Caring About Baseball Team

AUSTIN– As Bret Boswell’s groundball was thrown to first base for the final out of the Longhorns’ season, Texas fans across the state immediately regained that all-too-familiar sense of complete apathy for the baseball team.“Well, looks like I’m spending another painful offseason reflecting on this heartbreaking loss,” announced sophomore pre-law student and college baseball superfan […]

Your GrandMarc Roommate’s Dog Pissed All Over Entryway

WEST CAMPUS, AUSTIN- Peering out of his room at the glistening yellow fluid beginning to fill the entryway, sources believe your roommate saw his dog pissing everywhere earlier today and decided to do nothing about it.“This is something that doesn’t concern me in the slightest,” your roommate, who we can call Ezequiel, thought to himself […]

Fenves Enjoying Vacation by Thinking of All the Ways Tuition to Be Increased

SANASANA, FIJI- While relaxing in the shade of a palm tree just off the edge of Natadola Beach, University of Texas at Austin President Gregory Fenves reportedly spent hours on end deliberating through the many ways the university’s tuition should be increased.“Hm…should I upgrade buildings that need repair, like Parlin or Waggener? No, that won’t […]

6 Reasons Austin is Better Than Whatever Home You Have

For most Longhorns, this week marks the return to home, AKA that place you largely ignored for the previous nine months. Now that you’ve returned, it can be weird readjusting to life with your parents. Coming home might seem cool at first, like reuniting with your dog and finding a pantry full of food. However, […]