Kynzie Watahomigie

Kynzie Watahomigie

Staff Writer

Cornell Tour Guides Cheerfully Distract Prospective Students From Downsides Of Admission

With the Ivy League decisions fast approaching Cornell University has seen a steady increase of prospective and future students excited to see what Cornell and Ithaca have to offer them.“I’m so into Cornell. I totes belong here,” says SoCal resident Cindy Mars as she wears a coat for the first time in her life, “I […]

Cornell University Allows Students to Battle the Blizzard for as Long as Possible Before Finally Closing

Winter Storm Stella has hit Ithaca, and although the conditions are severe Cornell University refused to close until the last possible second. The campus is expecting to get anything from 14 to 24 inches of snow.“I don’t want to venture out into the tundra, but if I don’t get my attendance points then my grade […]

Slope Day Headliners Prompt Angry Reactions from Cornell Students

On March 9, 2017 the surprise artists performing at Slope Day 2017 year were announced after months of anticipation, but to much disappointment. The headliners will include Misterwives, and Big Gigantic, joined by S’natra, and Basstracks.“Yesterday we were served our usual dish of huge fucking disappointment,” cried senior Amanda Green, “I’ve been here for four […]

8 Fun Things To Do In Ithaca Regardless Of The Weather

The weather has been fluctuating harder than prelim scores, but time is precious for Cornell students. So, here’s a list of fun activities to do whether it’s 70 or 7 degrees outside.8.) Get on a random TCAT bus and see where it takes you: This is a fun game to play on weekdays, because you’ll […]

Cornell Students Exhilarated For Bragging Rights Once Bill Nye Starts His New Show

A well-known favorite to the science community, Bill Nye, is back with Bill Nye Saves the World, a TV show debuting in April. Current students at Cornell are thrilled they’ll be able to brag a fellow alumnus will once again be an influential figure on television.“I’m so glad he’s going to be talking about science […]

7 Valentine’s Day Cards for Cornellians to Give to That Special Someone

  You’re a Cornellian, which means your beautiful and unique. You’re special enough to get into an Ivy, but not quite special enough to get into one of the good ones. But…you’re better than Penn! In that spirit, celebrate today’s love with some cards only another Big, Throbbing Red could love.    It’s so high on […]

BREAKING: Cornell Will Name Anything After You if You Give Them Enough Money

As per tradition, Cornell University is more than accepting of donated funds from generous donors who are “totally not doing it to get a building named after themselves.”“I donated $300,000,000 to the research of stickers on stop signs and the improvement of crappy bus apps. I don’t know what Cornell will use this money for […]

Cornell Students Debate Which Classes to Drop So Fishbowl Wednesdays Not Impacted

Students at Cornell have until February 8th to determine which classes to keep in their schedules (GPA boosters) and which classes to drop and take again next year (classes that have prelims directly after spring break.)“Yeah, I was going to stay in Intro to microeconomics but then I found out that it was going to […]

7 Things Cornell Students ARE and AREN’T Excited About Returning for Spring Semester

Winter break: the time to disappoint family by admitting your GPA, zero responsibilities, and having fun, is up. Here is what we are and are not excited to return to at Cornell in the spring semester.7.) No One Wants to Get Back to Work: A month of laying on the couch binge watching every TV […]

Cornell Student New Year’s Resolutions Hit All-Time Low

After a productive fall semester of prelims, studying, and crying, Cornell students have quickly begun the revolution against their own terrible habits by formulating their New Year’s resolutions.“I’m sick of failing prelims because the person grading can’t read my answers,” states senior Andy “Leaky Pipe” Hayes, “every time I go to take a prelim my […]