Here are the top things Chicago suburbs do better than UIUC — all the more reason for you to dread returning to campus and cling to your suburban home.
Last week, incoming UIUC senior and intern at Peters & Smith Marketing, Chad Lewings, decided he was overworked.“I can’t keep all these Starbucks orders straight!” said an exasperated Lewings. “And every time my boss asks me to file documents or do something that requires skill, I’m forced to take a two-hour bathroom break and hope […]
Looking forward to your upcoming summer family reunion? Of course not! Family reunions are basically funerals with a little less social instruction, resulting in abundant awkwardness. But as a current Illini, you are sure to have some hopefully not-so-distant relatives who also have orange and Blue Guys through their veins. Here’s how you can bond […]
It’s the middle of summer, which means it’s time for Illini to make the annual migration slightly north to Milwaukee for Summerfest. Since you’re using your hard-earned cash from your shitty part-time job to pay for general admission, you’re going to want to make sure you have the dopest time possible. What was more dope […]
This week, two of our writers argue over the age-old dilemma: should you and your hometown friends hang out at the local bar or drink in one of your basements?
This past Monday night outside of Bar Louie in downtown Naperville, a commotion took place. The police were called to the scene by Kelsey Stamer, a Delta Delta Delta ‘19, and the cause of the commotion.“Hello, police?” shrieked Stamer on the 9-1-1 call recording. “It’s me, the hot blonde girl with the only good spray […]
It’s graduation season and Champaign is abuzz with excitement. This year students hope the commencement speaker, Nick Offerman, drops some knowledge on the unemployed graduates. The announcement came after a failed year-long campaign to get our most recent Commander-In-Chief, President Barack Obama, to speak at graduation. This week, the editors argue over whether Nick Offerman […]
This past Saturday, University of Illinois chancellor Robert J. Jones announced a major change to this year’s Class of 2017 Commencement Ceremony.“The University of Illinois boasts a large Greek community on campus. In fact, I just came from a fraternity philanthropy. Boy do they know how to have a good time!” Jones slurred suspiciously, wearing […]