Thomas 'Paign

Thomas 'Paign

Staff Writer

University of Illinois
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Which is Better the ARC or CRCE?

When you decide to take your yearly expedition to the gym, your choice in where you go will ultimately brand you for the rest of your college career. Ok, not really, but it’s like deciding between Coke and Pepsi, where one is clearly better and the other side is lying through their teeth. Jungle Fever: […]

Several ARC Intramural Referees Implicated in Bribing Scandal

The Activities and Recreation Center (ARC) at UIUC, which hosts a variety of intramural sporting events for students, has announced the firing of five of its student employee referees. The news comes after a hard-hitting piece of investigative journalism out of The Daily Illini was published last week, uncovering a ring of referees that were […]

Fraternity Disciplined After Hosting Pledge Curling Match at Illini Ice Arena

UIUC’s Iota Chi Epsilon has had the remainder of their social calendar cancelled after university officials caught wind of a philanthropy event they hosted this past Saturday evening. Starting around 8 p.m., the fraternity hosted their first and likely last ‘Pledges on Ice,” wherein they used their spring pledge class in lieu of stones to […]

Booze Review: Pabst Blue Ribbon

Have you ever had a thirst for piss but aren’t as ambitious as Bear Grylls? Well, Pabst Blue Ribbon is the next best (worst?) thing, if you’re into that. It also doubles as good way to let people know that you’re a piece of shit who has no self-respect for themselves. Nice job, kid.Grade: D-Smells Like: […]

Is Uber or CUMTD The Best Way To Get Around Illinois’ Campus?

One’s cheap like your mom, but the other can fit 4 people in it and accepts credit, also like your mom. So, which is the better way to get around campus? Better find out!MDMA: I’m just gonna say it. CUMTD is the best way to get around campus. Sure, you have to leave on someone […]

UIUC Kinetics Professor Offers Extra Credit To Students Speaking In Coherent Sentences On Unofficial

Kinesiology Professor Ginger Scott has announced this week that she will be giving extra credit worth a full letter grade to students who can form coherent sentences during her 11 a.m. Friday lab on Unofficial. Professor Scott, who teaches KIN 259 – Motor Development & Control in a rundown Huff Hall classroom, understands how popular […]

Booze Review: TY KU Sake Black

The Japanese have produced a lot of weird stuff, namely thousands of niche fetish pornos. But if you’re trying to get a taste of the culture without getting malware on your computer, you ought to give TY KU Sake Black a try. It’s “Junmai Ginjo,” which a quick Google search shows is either high-grade sake […]

Booze Review: UV Sriracha Vodka

Think sriracha is good on everything? Think the f*** again. UV Sriracha Vodka is like two beautiful people getting married and having the ugliest damn kid on the planet. Mr. Sriracha would be too ashamed to even take this abomination on The Maury Show to see if he truly was the father. If you wanted […]

McKinley Reports Dozens of New Cases of Basketball Seasonal Depression

McKinley’s Mental Health Center has been experiencing a surge in appointments in the wake of yet another disappointing season for the Illini basketball program. Counselors are assuring people that Basketball Seasonal Depression is a normal thing for students at the university to be experiencing around this time of year. Retta Cobb, the head of the […]

Are Saturdays Still Just For the Boys?

During the summer of the past year, Barstool Sports popularized the phrases “Saturdays are for the boys” and college campuses ran away with it. But with gender discrimination still being a very real issue in the 21st century, is it ok to let this trend continue? This week, two The Black Sheep authors make their […]