Thomas 'Paign

Thomas 'Paign

Staff Writer

University of Illinois
McKinley Reports Dozens of New Cases of Basketball Seasonal Depression

McKinley’s Mental Health Center has been experiencing a surge in appointments in the wake of yet another disappointing season for the Illini basketball program. Counselors are assuring people that Basketball Seasonal Depression is a normal thing for students at the university to be experiencing around this time of year. Retta Cobb, the head of the […]

Are Saturdays Still Just For the Boys?

During the summer of the past year, Barstool Sports popularized the phrases “Saturdays are for the boys” and college campuses ran away with it. But with gender discrimination still being a very real issue in the 21st century, is it ok to let this trend continue? This week, two The Black Sheep authors make their […]

Booze Review: RumChata

Sometimes it’s nice to have a drink that you don’t have to pretend to enjoy just to keep your fragile masculinity intact. After a few sips of this Rumchata, you’ll be calling it YumChata. After a dozen more you’ll finally think that pun was the funniest thing you’ve ever heard, which goes to show how […]

Booze Review: Maktub Verte Absinthe

You’ve probably heard a thing or two about absinthe, and if you’ve ever thought about buying it in the states, don’t, because it’s not the real stuff. But if you’ve got $200 lying around, you can score some Maktub Verte Absinthe and trust us, it’s some primo shit. Before you know it, you’ll be deciphering […]

Embarrassed CHLH 206 Professor Blames Class Shrinkage on Cold Weather, Not Own Inadequacy

Professor Dave Wallace, who’s been teaching CHLH 206: Human Sexuality on campus for a dozen years, has recently experienced a dramatic drop in attendance. Professor Wallace claims that the mostly vacant Gregory Hall lecture hall is due to the cold weather in Champaign-Urbana, despite him just being a terrible teacher. When confronted about the allegations, […]

Booze Review: Junior Johnson’s Midnight Moon Apple Pie Moonshine

What more appropriate way to celebrate America once again being great than by getting lit off some apple pie moonshine? Perhaps if you brought a flask of this to your little brother’s baseball game and started a “U-S-A!” chant, but you’ve already embarrassed him enough in his lifetime. Anyway, here’s to the greatest, but most […]

Poll: 72% Of Action Freshman Class Has Gotten From Being Rubbed Against On CUMTD Bus

Despite being on campus for over an entire semester, a startling majority of the Class of 2020 have yet to get any sort of action this school year other than by being felt up in a CUMTD bus. In a Google survey sent out on a UIUC FB page for a student’s CHLH 206 class, […]

Is Shower Sex Acceptable in The Six Pack Communal Dorm Bathrooms?

Regardless of your opinion, shower sex is a reality on college campuses across the nation, and U of I is no exception. We’re getting a bit steamy with this week’s debate, where two writers have a heated exchange on the merits (and lack thereof) of banging in a Six Pack shower. You’re going to want […]

VENN DIAGRAM: Red Lion’s “Cocktagon” vs. ACES Library

Red Lion’s affectionately named men’s bathroom, the “Cocktagon,” may seem to have nothing in common with a library belonging to one of the university’s many colleges. In fact, these two notoriously octagonal establishments share similarities with one another, but for the sake of the university’s academic reputation, they remain independent of one another.