Thomas 'Paign

Thomas 'Paign

Staff Writer

University of Illinois
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Booze Review: Hennessey Cognac

Look, sometimes you’ve got to ball out and treat yo self when it comes to alcohol. And for $35 and some change, you can be a real baller and get some Hennessey Cognac. But take heed, because when the Henny comes out, shit gets real. Grade: A+ Smells Like: Like you just won the lottery and […]

Should You Connect With Your One Night Stand From KAM’s On LinkedIn?

Last night it was 4-inch stilettos at Lion, this morning it’s flats for an internship with the Urbana City Government. But, she looks pretty good in her blazer on that LinkedIn pic. Try to establish a mutually-beneficial working relationship with her, or no?   Brendan: No, of course it’s a bad idea; LinkedIn is a […]

Booze Review: Kahlúa

College students sure love their coffee and alcohol. While the former is generally consumed in the a.m. and the latter in the p.m., the line between the two has been blurred as students chug dark roast to get through an all-nighter and darty it up on the weekends. With Kahlúa, a coffee-flavored liqueur, you get […]

Should You Paint a Bottom House Frat a Cooler for Formal?

Formal SZN, otherwise known as an annoyingly expensive date event where you get to get drunk in a place other than your frat house, is coming up quicker than you can get your suit dry cleaned. The real question is whether you need to fake some painting skills and make a cooler for a lower-tier […]

Booze Review: Franciscan Estate Napa Valley Merlot

Whether you like it or not, you’re (sort of) a grown-ass adult now, so it’s time to start drinking like one. Put the Franzia down and go ahead and get yourself some Franciscan Estate Napa Valley Merlot. Your mom will be so proud of your cute lil’ snuggle-bunny self. Grade: A- Smells Like: A pleasant concoction […]

Top 10 University of Illinois Yo Momma Jokes

Moms Weekend is right around the corner, and if you’re having trouble getting with a mom, here’s some help so you can at least put one down. You can’t crash and burn every single time, right? Right? 10.) “Yo Momma’s So Dumb She Thinks UGL Stands for ‘Underground Library’.”: A lot of idiots think that […]

Masochistic Euphoric After Having to Pay $10 Cover at Lion

Todd Bennet, a junior and self-proclaimed masochist, was overflowing with euphoria this past Monday night after having to dish out $10 for cover at the Red Lion. As a masochist, Bennet relies on pain for sexual gratification and he claims that this event will provide him “a staple memory for the ‘ole spank bank.” “A […]

Benevolent Pledge Master Implements Safe Word for Fraternity Rituals

The member education committee of the Sigma Alpha Phi Fraternity has been lauded by their nationals as trailblazers after their committee head started implementing safe words into the fraternity’s historic rituals. The pledge master of Sigma Alpha Phi, Tanner Full, explained why it was time to bring some new life into his fraternity’s rituals that […]

Which is Better the ARC or CRCE?

When you decide to take your yearly expedition to the gym, your choice in where you go will ultimately brand you for the rest of your college career. Ok, not really, but it’s like deciding between Coke and Pepsi, where one is clearly better and the other side is lying through their teeth. Jungle Fever: […]

Several ARC Intramural Referees Implicated in Bribing Scandal

The Activities and Recreation Center (ARC) at UIUC, which hosts a variety of intramural sporting events for students, has announced the firing of five of its student employee referees. The news comes after a hard-hitting piece of investigative journalism out of The Daily Illini was published last week, uncovering a ring of referees that were […]