10 Reasons Why 2016 Blew Major D**k

author-pic at Binghamton  

It’s quite the consensus that, regardless of your views on pretty much anything, 2016 was just kind of a shit year. Here, in no particular order, are 10 reasons why.

10.) Everyone’s Zodiac Signs Changed:

That damn calendar caused everyone’s Zodiac signs to shift. If you were a strong-willed Aries, now you’re now a lazy-ass Pisces. Your identity in 2016 took a total 180, and now you don’t even know who you are. Nobody does.

9.) Syria:

Do most people really know what’s going on in Syria? Like, there’s a bunch of refugees and their country is being torn apart by ISIS, Russia, and a bunch of other countries that aren’t Syria, as well as Syria itself. It’s a confusing mess, one that our President Elect is very much confused by as well. So don’t feel bad if you don’t know what Aleppo is, or if it’s fallen or not (it hasn’t…yet).

8.) The Bill Cosby of it All:

Anybody use to watch The Cosby Show? Anybody still watch The Cosby Show? With the Cosby and the show and the being accused of multiple accounts of sexual assault against several women.

7.) The First Women President Nominee was Hella Scandalous and Corrupt:

Love her or hate her, you gotta admit Hillary isn’t the most honest political figure, and she’s got the 30-year track record of scandals to prove it. As Amy Brookheimer from Veep once said “The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked. Better to put our feminist eggs for such a momentous occasion in a candidate we know for sure won’t “fucking suck.” Like Julia Louis-Dreyfus! She’d do the little kicks at all the White House parties. Now that’s a dance we can believe in.

6.) David Bowie Died:

The kooky king of pop, the absence of this rock legend in the world will be sorely felt. Fuck you, 2016.

5.) Beyonce Released Lemonade, but it Became Abundantly Clear that She’s been Suffering Through Some Marital Problems, Forcing Us to Realize We Live in a World Where Someone Would Cheat on Beyonce:

Seriously Jay Z. Why you do dis? You wanna prove that there is no God, because you’re going in the right direction.

4.) We’ve Moved Towards a New Cold War, and With Russia Hacking Us We’ll Either be the United Soviet States of America or Nuclear Toast:

Are we puppets? Lol, nah, no puppet. No puppet, Clinton’s the puppet! Sorry, we’re easily influenced by our President Elect.

3.) Weed was Legalized in Only, Like, 10 States:

Sure, you can smoke weed legally in California now, but you can still go back to Wisconsin and get fired for failing a drug test 2 days later, so what’s even the point?

2.) BradGelina Proved that Love is Just a Human Construct Created by the Patriarchy to Retain Bourgeoisie Marriage:

Well, that might not be entirely true. But they sure as hell proved soul mates are just an idea created by Hallmark and Hollywood to promote their ideals. Okay, maybe big business doesn’t have anything to do with this. But shit, if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can’t make it, why even bother, ya know?

1.) The Election:

Politics were hella entertaining, sure, but it was also the reason why  your parents removed you from their will and revealed your uncle Jim as a closeted misogynist. Where else can you find a TV celebrity whose catch phrase is “You’re fired” calling a former Secretary of State, who can’t even count the number of scandals she’s been involved in on her entire family’s fingers, a “nasty woman” on every major news and broadcast network other than America? U.S. politics became a reality show, and it ain’t showing signs of stopping now.

You went drinking, now you’re stuck pooping. How’s that going for ya?