Alcohol Review: Four Loko

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Grade: C+

Introduction:

Since the caffeine was removed from Sparks a few years ago, we've all had to mix everything with Red Bull to get any sort of decent pregame energy rush. Thanks to Four Loko we can enjoy several different alcoholic energy options while losing our dignity all over again.

History:

When a former chemical engineering student's Adderall supplier graduated, he knew he had to find a legal energy alternative immediately. He locked himself in a lab and refused to party until he had created the perfect mix of alcohol and caffeine. After weeks of extensive testing and experimenting he had created Four Loko just in time to use it to study/pregame during finals week. Being wildly successful at both academics and socializing, he was later awarded a Nobel Peace Prize.

Typical Drinker:

Tweakers, ADD kids, destructive individuals, posers at raves, far-too-aggressive people, most girls dancing at a club on any given night and people drinking for 8+ hours.

User Comments:

"I think my heart's about to explode."

"Ohmygoddon'tyoujustlovethissong?Ijustwanttodancerightnow.Wowmusicissogood.Don'tyoujustlovemusic.I'veneverfeltsoalive!"

"How can you fall asleep so early? It's only 4:30 in the morning!?"

Overall Opinion:

Four Loko is best suited for day-long drinking binges such as a typical Saturday or St. Pattie's Day. At 12% alcohol content it's something that will definitely mess you up and get you jump started. It tastes like Flinstone's Vitamins, which is pretty awesome since you know you used to try and eat that shit like candy as a kid. Just don't go overboard and drink too many of these suckers at once; you'll be smashed and insane for hours...wait....go ahead and consume as many as possible cause' that sounds awesome.

Mixer Center:

With Red Bull- D

With Xanax- C-

With Vodka- B

With Beer- F

With Sprite-A-

 

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