10 Minutes In the Life of Russell Brand (He Can't Be That Retarded, Can He?)

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(The sun is shining through the penthouse window of a 5-star hotel somewhere in the Caribbean. Russell Brand pulls the covers off of his face and rolls out of a bed that obviously had someone else in it.)

"Jesus Christ, what happened last night?"

(Brand, as usual, is shirtless. He walks over to the French doors that lead out to the balcony and opens them.)

"I wonder where she went. It's perplexing, really."

" What's that, hon?"

(Brand turns around, surprised. His fiancée, Katy Perry is standing in their bedroom.)

"Oi! E'llo m'love! Ol' Russie' 'ere dijn't seeja comin' round ye ole mount, as ya' Yanks like'a say! How'ja feel 'bout fixin' this ol' bloke a cuppada tea for me break-y-fast? It'a sprune this wabbydapper ri' up wol I giv' e' ol' agent Barrywinkas a ringly-o ahn the ol' telly-ring-ring, eh?"

"Russell! Of course I will! Be back in a jiffy!

(Katy exits and Russell walks out onto the balcony, dialing his phone. He's pacing impatiently. Soon someone picks up.)

"Bout' fuckin' time you're returning my phone calls, eh Barry? You listen to me, you slimy shit, when you and I embarked on this now-hellish voyage together you told me I'd only have to act like a retarded British transvestite for a little while, until the public loved me. Then you said I'd just have to keep doing it in public. Now, with Katy, I have to do it in private too. I hope you're-oh shit, here she comes-'an I just zazzooed 'im right in the saggies, ya'ere? 'Old on uh tooger, Kat-a-lee-did jus'n brought me my sip-wa-digg!"

(Brand covers the mouthpiece on his phone while Katy sets the coffee down on a small table.)

"Lolva! Eh' wars just tailin' al' Barry-bon 'ere 'bout a e'mory yuz' truly hazzled 'bout zazzooin' some wank-stank in  the saggies! Tis' a scoj' muchies fer ya's dannty er'oz me-think. How-ja  fancy hop-skipper-oo-in' jus' ahn propa' dahn de're a-by da foredesk 'n check-a-roo us love-y-lillies outta' this 'ere romodom!?"

"Russell! Do we have to go? It's beautiful here and I don't have to be back in the studio for another two weeks!"

"Liss'n 'ere lovey-pots ol' Rusty-bean 'ere hozz 'im commitiliaries too, ya 'ow.  I snoggly-snuggly-wovvly-lovely m'ittle Katy-kat tada 'def mi'earest, buzzle ol' Russo need to hob onna one-a-dem flyin' tins back ta jolly ol' En-lin."

(Katy pouts for a moment, but brightens up quickly)

"Should I take the lift down to the front desk?

"The what?"

"Russell! Quit teasing! The lift!"

(Russell stares at Katy for a moment, confused, but quickly regains his composure.)

"Oh mi' lil' chaddlewonks! By jog,  ya' can snarg dahn da' lift! Go, go! An' donja' b'usin' 'yer crazzy word-a-loos on ol' Rustaroo anymorsies! Kay-kay?

"Okay!"

(Katy exits, Russell gets back on the phone.)

"Barry, tell me, tell me if you heard any of that."

(Russell pauses as he listens to Barry.)

"Well Barry, let me tell you, thank God in heaven that you didn't. Seriously, praise him. Do you wanna know that shit I have to make up to keep Katy thinking that I'm some cockney jerkoff? I say stupid shit like 'chaddlewonks.' Do you know what 'chaddlewonks' means, Barry?

(Pause)

"Of course you don't, Barry. You don't because you don't have to go around saying stupid shit like 'chaddlewonks' or 'glabby-bars' or 'taffydoo' all day. They mean nothing. Absolutely nothing. You know why you don't know what they mean, Barry? Because I sold you my dignity for fame. You-you're Satan, Barry. Did you know you're Satan, huh Barry? You are a stealer off souls."

(Pause)

"Beelzebub?  Very funny, Barry. If you wanna help make up words now that's fine ju-"

(Pause)

"Well then, fuck you very much, Barry. Yes, you are Beelzebub."

(Pause)

"You're damn right, Barry. You better call up those Shakespeare monkeys you keep on retainer and have them come up with some new tardspeak for me to use, I'm running out of adlibs here."

(There's a knock on the door.)

"Ah, shit. Barry, there's someone at the door. Let me call you later today."

(Russell hangs up the phone, walks over to the door and opens it, smiling. There's a bellhop waiting for him.)

"Toppa-the-choppa t'you, young bingeilly-boy. Ya here fer' m'bagobones 'r what?"

 

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