The Blacksheep Online | An Open Letter to the Students of UIUC

An Open Letter to the Students of UIUC

March 10, 2010 - 2:07 pm | Posted by: Quinn

Mayor Dear prestigious students of our University of Illinois,

Do you know my name? You should, chances are you just wrote me a check. That's right, I'm the mayor of Champaign and I don't give a shit about you. Lick my balls. Oh I'm sorry, did you think this was going to be a sappy letter about how I appreciate all the business you bring to this town and your willingness to pay shit-loads above fair-market value on rent and other amenities? I mean, well I guess I am happy about that. Yeah, real happy. But the point of this letter is to address the emergency situation that happened last week, Unofficial, or me and the boys like to call it, "Pay Day". Did you know because of your little holiday I have been given the power to declare a Public Emergency, which puts me in the powerful position to thrust my throbbing authority down the throats of anyone I choose? That's right, I can literally quarantine any "geographical zone" I want, then have complete control over the people and business in that area. Don't believe me? Check Article VII Section 5-91 of the municipal code, titled "Emergency Powers". I mean, sure we made up a "Deputy Commissioner," but read the code, he is merely someone who "shall be appointed by and serve at the pleasure of the Mayor." But guess what? I appointed myself motha-fuckaaas. Can you say "get money"?

Listen kiddos, I know you've probably read the DI after they run the numbers on all the tickets, fines, and bar closings on Unofficial. And I know you're probably not too happy about it. But listen you sandy little vaginas, there is nothing you can do, so shut the dick up. "Oh," you say, "Why can't you be reasonable like other big universities and shut down Green Street wahh wahh wahh." I thought this was a business school, not a bunch of little pussies. Where is the money in accepting and embracing you? Nowhere, the money is in putting you in situations in which you drunken idiots will ultimately screw up, and I will be there with waiting with my empty buckets that will soon be filled with money. Daddy wouldn't have this new plaster-cast paperweight of Wesley Snipes' ball sack if it wasn't for you. I know you guys get excited for this day, but forget about it. Soon I will have complete control over this town. Everyone knows you cannot just throw money at problems; you have to throw money at people. I am that people. Not only are the regular citizens of this city forking over loads of tax money to stop you, but I am raking in major cash from you idiots. I am a Golden God!

As of now not only can regulate the kind of cups bars serve, what types of drinks who they can serve and when they open, but if I feel like it I can just close the place down. Last year was reported a "slight success" and this year was an improvement. The more I can scare the locals by alerting them to how dangerous and out of control you are, while proving that I am the one thing protecting them, the more power I amass. Soon, you weak, pathetic students, I plan on not closing the bar, but rather claiming that all profits go to me! Or better, make all students line up in the streets for breathalyzers, then make them fork over cash for being over the limit!

So there you have it UIUC students. You can cry and complain all you want, but there is not shit you can do. I am in power. You have no say. What are you going to do? Elect a student trustee? Please! Every student trustee I have ever met is a wink and nudge away from dropping to their knees and going bottoms-up after the meetings. Go ahead and elect you normal scared little sodomy-loving trustee only looking to boost their resume, and I will work on changing my name to Mayor Gerald McScrillz.

Regards,

Mayor Gerald Schweighart